So I'm studying Urdu and then I discover that the awesome grammar site I found is malfunctioning and I can't get past lesson 6. Waaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuugh!!!!!! New Year's Eve is ruined!!!!!!

And just to add insult to injury, the Hindi version of the course is working just fine. Which would be really useful if only I could read Devanagari. Boohoohoo the world hates me......

But then...

Me: Google.

Google: Yes, Dave.

Me: Translate Hindi to Urdu.

Google: Yes, Dave.

Hehehehehehehehehehehe Pakistan zindabad!

I wish somebody would put some awesome fireworks on YouTube, in HD, because there is no way I'm going out to look for any myself.

Got home from work and door locks were not frozen. Pipes were not frozen. Roommate had not been smoking in the house. Food was not stolen. I slept seven hours straight. And then... my last Economist of the year turned up.

I don't think I'll ever get such a lucky day again.

Ok so Environment Canada says -36 C but they're in the pay of The Harper Government so that's probably a lie. It's so not cold... well, it's just not cold. I walked from the bus stop and I wasn't cold.

So everyone is making a big deal of the temperature which they claim is -50. Haven't been out yet but to the naked eye I'd say not even -30.

You know, Brain, I don't HAVE to feed you coffee and knowledge. I could douse you in booze and leave you in front of the TV. You filthy bitch.

Tiffany: You should do this for like a week... and blog each day about it. I'll require a photog too!

Me: I can't even bring myself to turn the TV on.

You'd think at least one of my multicoloured galaxy of drugs would stop this damn cough.

I changed my Facebook profile picture to this. Anyone know who he is?

Pakistan Cricket Board: Name a cricketer whose name starts with the same letter as your name.

.

.

.

.

Me: Eoin Morgan.


Google: 1, PCB: 0.

How to learn to read and write Urdu:

1. Learn all the letters.
2. Learn the sounds of the letters.
3. You can't pronounce half of them anyway.
4. Learn to recognize the letters in their modified forms when connected to other letters.
5. Learn where the letters are on the English keyboard.
6. Now learn the way the real Urdu speakers write so you don't look like a kindergartner forever.
7. And now you're still screwed because most of the vowels are missing.

The end.

You know what's really fucked up? If someone is gay we have to throw them a party and say that their homosexuality makes the world a better place. But if someone is celibate it's perfectly right to say it's not normal and try to "fix" them.

Also, all the door locks froze again, which happens to everyone in Winnipeg every time the weather changes (and then people complain about how "dry" it is). I was gonna leave it until tomorrow in the hopes that the thieving bitch wouldn't be able to get back in, and maybe would break her key and have to replace a lock at her expense. But then I thawed them out anyway. Purely because the Lord suggested it to me. If you don't think the Lord does anything for you, you've never pissed off a Christian.

I went to the grocery store, suitably dressed for the weather in many layers of warm clothing. So many layers, in fact, that I had at least twelve (12) pockets, so when I got to the checkout I couldn't find my wallet. As I went through my pockets I said "please don't tell me I forgot my wallet", and the man behind me said

.

.

.

"Don't worry, I'll pay for your stuff."

I could have cried. Why is it that strangers are so decent and the people who gravitate to me are such worthless cunts?

The less-cunty roommate comes home and announces brightly that he doesn't get paid until the 4th so I'll "just have to tell the landlord rent will be on the weekend."

.

.

.

.

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TABARNAK????????

"Less cunty" is purely relative, obviously.


Dana: why are YOU in charge of rent??? you should just send yours in and let the others be in charge of their own - or at least get a discount on yours for being the heavy.

Me: I'm in charge of rent because we're renting the house as a whole, not as three separate contracts with the landlord, so if those two dumb cunts are late on their rent I'm just as screwed as if I was.

Megan: What about his pay check from last week, then?

Me: He doesn't get regular paycheques because he's a subcontractor. But that's the third time he's used the excuse of "we finished the job and billed it but the customer is out of town until X date". So, I told him I'm getting a payday loan for his shortfall and he will have to pay the charges, i.e. 50% + $30. Suddenly he changed from "you're gonna have to talk to the landlord" to "I'll talk to my boss and see if he can come up with it." Funny how these bitches can suddenly find money when they find out I'm not gonna lend it to them for free.

"Operation Red Nose has suspended services in Winnipeg for Dec. 28 because of the poor weather conditions." Great, now the roads are shitty AND full of drunk drivers.

When our boss is away and the Receiving supervisor supervises us: everyone who calls in sick brings in goodies to apologize; team meeting is a laugh a minute; work is complete on time; people are happy to come to work.

When our boss is back: everyone calls in sick; team meeting is deathly silent; work is badly done and left incomplete at end of shift; everyone is surly.

Hmmmmmm... I wonder where the problem could be on our team??

There seems to be a toxic mold in my house. I mean OTHER THAN my roommate.

Mardrey: !!

Me: Don't worry Mardrey, molds are easier to kill than roommates.

I was looking at my timeline and on the side it says "Elise likes Mohammad Hafeez". And I was like "LIES! Elise does not like anybody!" Oh wait... they mean Facebook-like not has-a-crush-on-like. Sorry, my bad.

I guess I get tired of people and/or computers suggesting I need a man.

Hello, work! I've missed you so much!

I'm sure glad I fired my Urdu teacher. I'm making much better progress on my own.

The people in my Photos of Handsome Dudes folder: Sean Bean; Gregory Dahl; Imran Khan; Matias Lammens; Shahid Afridi; my brother; and yes, that photo I downloaded off The Handsome One's profile.

"Don't move to Winnipeg", they said. "Winnipeg is SO cold", they said.

Haters just gotta hate...

There is a note in my notes that says: "771 [BCE]: in some ways it was just another year." I'd love to know what that's all about.

Nyquil is green and there is a crescent moon and a star on the packaging. Like a tiny subliminal Pakistani flag.

I hate when things don't fit in a two-dimensional graphic representation.

Well now I don't know what to do with my time. And also I keep my coffee at work to motivate myself to go there, which means I'm going to start caffeine withdrawal before I go in tomorrow. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuugh!

So the bad news is, unbeknownst to me the buses are running on Sunday schedule so I can't go to work, which will cost me, obviously, a day's pay. But the good news is, I get to sleep all night and watch cricket in the morning. Hehehehehe...

(Also this allowed me to discover that as soon as I leave the house, that bitch roommate who refuses to pay any bills turns up the thermostat 4 degrees. So now I won't feel bad about putting a guard on the thermostat.)

Doesn't look like I'm gonna achieve my goal of sleeping 50 hours between two shifts. Sigh...

Hey, it's Mao's birthday! Happy Mao's birthday, everyone!

It's Xmas in the US and Quaid-e-Azam day in Pakistan. The US decided to celebrate with... A FUCKING DRONE ATTACK. And you know what, I'm not surprised. All day I was like "you know, I bet you the US are gonna drone Pakistan today." And they did. Because they're cunts. Sorry, my American friends, but that was just straight-up unmitigated cunt. In fact when cunts are looking for a really vicious swear, they say "American".

Everybody just remember this next time something explodes near an American.

- sent Xmas cards
- watched cricket
- three loads of laundry
- cooked a batch of dog food
- shoveled the entire front of the property
- and part of the back
- annoyed the roommate
- poured bleach on some allergens

I deserve a nap now.

It's so hot today, I had to turn off the heat, open a window and take off my sweater. Then I was still too hot so I went outside and shoveled snow for 20 minutes. Then I was out of snow. Good thing we don't get those cold Dubai winters here!

So far this has been the best Quaid-e-Azam day in years. Now I think I'll just wash everything I own again to try and get rid of some allergens.

Perfectly run-of-the-mill hockey fights:




Cricket fight that made the evening news:

There's something wrong with people who get pissy if you mention your god and then run their mouths about Santa.

Cricket commenter: But there is another thing wrong with Sri Lanka, if you look at their players' bodies.... they're all wearing SWEATERS. It's winter here in the UAE and it's pretty chilly. They don't like the cold.

Me: Google, Dubai weather.

Google: 21 C, no precipitation.


Dafuq?????

Facebook comments:

Asad: Enjoying Pakistan batting?

Me: Yes, I am. I think Sri Lanka's problem isn't the weather, it's Mohammad Hafeez. There he goes about the weather again. "Because it's so cold here..."

Asad: Lol it looks easy win for Pakistan.

Me: 89 in 24 overs, yeah, that doesn't sound too hard. Good thing we have all those northerners on the team that play well in the cold. LOL

Asad: I think real cold weather in your side, U.A.E weather I think just like summer for u

Me: It's -14 C right now and that's a warm day.

Asad: Omg I will die in minus. We are Asian mostly belongs from hot weathers

Me: You know that the world's largest non-polar glacier is partly in Pakistan? I don't think we're gonna see Misbah bat today.

Asad: Yeah I know but here in northern areas where that glacier is very less population, mostly Pakistanis live in warm areas. Yeah today our captain have no chance to make another fifty.

Me: Maybe more people should move there. Less air conditioning, less electricity use, therefore less load-shedding. And also better cricket in "cold" weather in UAE.

Asad: Warm weather is suitable for us because that areas are mostly mountain areas and very high. I think you know well. World biggest mountain ranges are here.

Me: I know. You could put giant data centers there, nobody would ever find them.

Asad: I think our scientist doing this. When I will have some free time from job, I am gonna visit that all beautiful areas of Pakistan.

Me: Me too. Sweet. :)

Asad: Maybe next year. Then we should go together. And 100 by Hafeez.

Me: I know, that's what I just said. I like that he's not flashy about it. If Shahid did three times 100 we'd never hear the end of it.

Asad: He's playing so well.

Me: It's like Sri Lanka v. Mohammad Hafeez.

Asad: Lol yeah Hafeez dominating Sri Lanka. Shahid have popularity because of his fast innings and young blood like that.

Me: I think Shahid is popular because of his stage presence. Not that he isn't good at cricket but he's especially good at letting people know how good he is.

Asad: Yeah he know how to make crowd loud.

Me: And he has fabulous hair.

Asad: What you think when international cricket team will come to Pakistan and play with us in our home town.

Me: I don't know. Maybe Imran Khan can tell you that. One thing I don't really like about Shahid is when he comes in to bat and everybody cheers like crazy... it's just not very nice to the batter who just got out.

Asad: When peace will come in Afghanistan then everything will be good in Pakistan too. Imran says that.

Me: I don't think you should wait for that. And you can tell Imran I said that. Do you think we can finish this within batting powerplay?

Asad: When next time Imran come to my area I will talk about you with Imran briefly.

Me: Tell him I said to buy more CANDU reactors.

Asad: I don't want finish yet because it's good practice of Pakistan for next match.

Me: I think Sri Lanka is going to be really embarrassed because we're going to beat them in 100 balls.

Asad: CANDU reactors for electricity? Its federal government job because Imran have limited government powers. I think this is Sri Lanka's worst series against Pakistan.

Me: He doesn't have to do it himself. He can advocate for it. People listen to him. Well it's hard to do any worse than this.

Asad: Yeah if it's good to produce then its good idea, he can easily communicate with people and authorities. Btw. How CANDU work? Mean water, air or coal produce power?

Me: CANDU is a nuclear reactor, it uses uranium and heavy water. Very safe and low-maintenance. Pakistan already has some.

Asad: But Pakistan use uranium for make atomic bombs.

Me: CANDU fuel isn't enriched enough for that. And you're not gonna bomb anyone.

Asad: I think in Europe also different countries uses CANDU plants, it's best for produce power but need uranium which is very less available in world. We just make some bombs for defense purpose.

Me: What you need for defense purposes is anti-aircraft guns to shoot down drones. 225. :)

Asad: My TV cable off thanks for update me score.

Me: My feed blacked out and then went back a few minutes. Weird. PCB has 226 but they're still playing.

Asad: We have everything for shoot drones but our stupid government fear or have secret agreements with NATO OR USA that's why they don't shoot otherwise it's not so hard to shoot down. Our army have everything and well-armed logistic. Yeahhh we win.

Me: No still not. Maqsood won't run. There we go.

Asad: But I hear in news that Pakistan win? What's going. My sports channel stupid gone please tell me Hafeez and Sohaib score?

Me: First it was 225 but scoreboard said 226. PCB website picked up 226. Then scoreboard went back to 225 and they were still playing. Hafeez tried to run a couple times but Maqsood wouldn't move. Then my feed went to commercial so I didn't even see the final play. When it came back it was 226. 226 for 2. The last one was Sohaib batting.

Asad: Hafeez 113 and Sohaib 46. Here news channels says that.

Me: That's what PCB says. Shahid's hair must be really disappointed it didn't get any camera time. LOL

Asad: Shahid is in team because of his bowling too. He is just like hero of Pakistan but this time Hafeez got everything. Love his performance

Me: I know but he just spends so much time fixing his hair! It's driving me nuts. Every time he's on camera he's running his hands in his hair. (Quoting from TV:) Angelo Mathews: "They outplayed us in all departments, quite frankly."

Asad: Did you know what was happened between Dilshan and Ahmed Shahzad? Why ICC impose 50 % match charges on Ahmed?

Me: I don't know, I heard about the fine but never saw what happened. Quoting from TV: Interviewer: Are you gonna win 4-1? Misbah: Yeah, of course. The main thing is you want to win every game and we're gonna do that.

Asad: InshAllah we will not take it easy n win last ODI. HE said what I want lol.

Me: InshaAllah. I won't be able to watch that game, I'll be at work.

Asad: But you can work with calm because no matter we win or lose we are champion of series haha and we will hold the cup.

Me:


Hahaha even in this video you can see Afridi fixing his hair!

Asad: lol thanks for share, Afridi loves his hair so much.

Me: I know!!!! He's just way too fond of his hair. He actually takes off his hat to activate his fabulous-hair superpowers. LOL

Asad: LOL He also come in different shampoo ads.

Me: I know, he's even on the shampoo bottle. I'd hate to have Shahid Afridi's face in my shower! His theme song is "I'm too sexy".

Asad: Hahaha but he always see me when I shower lol.

Me: LOL I don't need to know that

Asad: I just noted now I want remove him because I'm not gay

Me: He's so sexy, you don't even have to be gay. LOL

Asad: Sexy for Girls.

Me: Pfff. I bet every guy in Pakistan has a man-crush on Shahid. I bet you he doesn't actually use Head & Shoulders or he wouldn't have such fabulous hair. When I use Head & Shoulders I have to wash my hair with dish soap afterwards to get rid of the sticky residue.

Asad: Lol we just jealous because of his female fans.

Me: But really you're jealous of his hair.

Asad: He has natural silky hair. No I'm really not jealous of his hair, my hair is also good lol.

Me: LOL I think his hair is probably like mine because he is from northern Pakistan, but he gets highlights. Also I don't have to fix my hair all the time.

Asad: You should also always move your hands in hair everywhere.

Me: I can't do that. It distracts my coworkers.

Asad: if you do, your coworkers will fall in love with you.

Me: I don't really like how he bowls, you know. Not elegant like Junaid. K I have to turn off my computer now and give it a rest. And you should be sleeping because it's very late. Maybe you can dream of Shahid Afridi's hair.

Asad: Need girl eye which I don't have. Lol I don't think any man looked elegant. If you ask me about any female sports persons than there a lot elegant in my eye.

Me: I don't think it's a girl thing, Junaid has very clean form whereas Shahid is all over the place. Though of course his hair does look fabulous with the wind blowing through it...

All right. Wide awake. Xmas cards sent. Now I can watch cricket in peace.

"With faith, discipline and selfless devotion to duty, there is nothing worthwhile that you cannot achieve." (Muhammad Ali Jinnah)

You know what I notice? It doesn't say anything about "being yourself." Being yourself accomplishes nothing.

Aaaaaaaah... I feel so well rested, I might only need another 30 hours of sleep or so.

Quaid-e-Azam Day Mubarak!

Meanwhile, on my Twitter feed: "NHL's Phoenix Coyotes goalie Mike Smith gets puck stuck in pants, scores own goal in OT". Riiiiiiiiiight... Remind me again why I don't watch hockey?

Hindustani coworker: You have plans for Christmas?

Me: Watch cricket!

Hindustani coworker: Cricket? You are watching cricket?

Me: Pakistan vs Sri Lanka... er... I better go put that pallet jack away.


Perhaps my interest in Pakistani cricket is not the best way to connect with my three standoffish Hindustani coworkers.

Facebook comments:

Hassaan: start watching India vs SA, that might help you.

Me: I'm not sure it would... I cheer for SA.

Catholic coworker: You have plans for Christmas?

Me: Nah, I don't celebrate Christmas.

Catholic coworker: How come?

Me: I don't think the Scripture supports it.

Catholic coworker: Fair enough.


Wow. Catholics really have come a long way.

MashaAllah, the ice jam just went! Now I can go to bed. Sweet, sweet, beautiful sleep... thank you Lord.

Definite improvement in the flow of water over the last two hours. If this trend continues, everything should be back to normal in 12 or so. Sigh...

My surly coworker called me a "sassy kid". Can you imagine how surly someone has to be that I look like a "sassy kid" in comparison?

Aaaaaaaaaaaand... the pipes are almost frozen again. I guess this is not the day I catch up on my sleep after all.

One cricket commenter to the other: What was the most pleasing aspect of the game for you so far?


I would have to say: not being at work. The best part of cricket is definitely that I'm NOT at work when I watch it.

Funny, when I set L'Internationale as my alarm clock I wasn't even thinking about the words: "debout, les damnés de la terre". How apt...

I don't suppose there's any hope of getting my Economist this week, either...

While it may be theoretically possible to be "a good person" without believing in God, believers can keep on being gracious long after our own patience and kindness have run out, strictly through the arm of the Lord that sustains us. The Lord is merciful and compassionate - I sure as hell ain't.

Dear God, WHY do I have to wake up and go to work AGAIN today? All I ever do is get up and go to work. Please let me sleep, work. I need sleep.

Me: Google.

Google: Yes, Dave.

Me: Shahid A

Google: Shahid Afridi net worth.


Seriously???? Well now I feel bad for the guy. All that fabulous hair and the first thing people want to know is how much money he has. How sad...

Fuck j'm'en câlisse des nouvelles... Please tell me there's some good cricket on the feed.

Sur mon feed aujourd'hui: "Kim-Jong-un est quelqu'un de formidable". Et les gens me harcèlent parce que je m'intéresse à Imran Khan... Douchebaggery.

I was dreaming that I really needed a cup of coffee. I'm THAT tired. Sounds like a good day to be stuck at work for 11 hours... NOT. >8(

Back to bed for four hours and then back to work. FML.

I need to figure out a way to get updates from 3rd ODI inconspicuously while sitting in church. Within 10 minutes. Any ideas?

Firefox installs a browser hijackers, calls it "safety and stability update". Sounds like I need a new browser AGAIN.

Cricket is like chocolate. Too complicated to have been invented by accident, and not much good as a sleep aid.

Asad: Which is your favourite team?

Me: Pakistan ODI squad.

Asad: But currently Pakistan is on 4th or 5th rank.

Me: So? My team at work is dead last in our district, so I can hardly point fingers. But really it's because I study Urdu by reading news stories and cricket stories are the easiest ones to read. The second thing I ever read in Urdu was "Misbah ul-Haq."

Asad: (the next morning) InsHAllah my team Pakistan will win next world cup.

Me: InshaAllah. What my team at work needs is a better captain.

Asad: I think our captain always batting well. Today also.

Me: I hope they'll replay the match on my cricket feed later today, can't watch it now because I have to go to church. Hopefully we win!

Asad: Pakistan 327 Sri-Lanka 44-3 8 Overs

Me: (after church) Wow. How did Sri Lanka collapse like that?

Asad: Pakistan have world best bowling attack.

Me: I like to watch Junaid bowl. He has a certain elegance.

Great. I get the feed working just in time for commercials. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

And why in the world is Rahul Gandhi trending on Twitter????

All right, Windows. I just spent 1 1/2 hour undoing all your stupid updates. Now let me watch cricket or so help me, I will buy a Mac.

And just in case I get any ideas that things might get better now, Windows Updates found a way to turn itself back on.

I thought I had a lousy week. Then I read the news and it got lousier. The Lord is merciful and compassionate.

MashaAllah, I'm finally off work for 36 hours. I've never been so glad to get to the end of a duty cycle.

You know, with all my vast experience of cognitive-behavioural therapy, everything I know about how the brain works, iron-clad reality testing, and a winking emoticon at the end of every sentence, I still can't convince my brain that people are joking when they promise me something that my brain wants but I know is patently impossible. So I can see how people who are less suspicious of their brains come to believe anything and everything.

Imran Khan should do a weekly podcast so I could listen to it.

Asad likes this.

Me: You can tell him I said that, Asad. I'll drink my coffee while listening to it.

Asad: Yeah I said him and he give message for you that first give your half coffee to Asad then he'll do.

Me: Ok I'll mail you some coffee. I hope you like your coffee cold and stale.

Me: Don't mail, bring here then I can have coffee and you can have Imran Khan.

Me: Sounds like a fair deal to me. LOL

There are two ways to influence others: integrity, or bullying. The less integrity we expect of everyone, the more we will have to make do with bullying. Cause and effect.

K I lied. NOW just one last look. For real.

Ok, one last look through my collection of handsome dude photos and then I'm getting ready for work. Promise.

Everything went better than expected at the bank. I'll tell you the long story later because I want to sleep, but I was able to collect the rent for January and 2/3 of the money she owed me. MashaAllah.

And now, off to the bank to see if the post-dated cheques I got from the roommate are any good.

Holy crap. I don't know who that guy is who's talking to the pope but is he ever HOT. Kinda startled me first thing in the morning.

(Slightly later:) San Lorenzo de Almagro team president Matias Lammens. Haven't lost my stalking chops yet.

Setting L'Internationale as my alarm clock is the most evil thing I've ever done to myself.

Now that I know how to get ring tones on my new phone, it's almost a shame that no one calls me.

I've tweeted in four languages so far and facebooked in six. Not sure why I've never used the other two languages I can write...

In the Lord I take refuge; how can you say to me,
“Flee like a bird to the mountains;
for look, the wicked bend the bow,
they have fitted their arrow to the string,
to shoot in the dark at the upright in heart.
If the foundations are destroyed,
what can the righteous do?”

The Lord is in his holy temple;
the Lord’s throne is in heaven.
His eyes behold, his gaze examines humankind.
The Lord tests the righteous and the wicked,
and his soul hates the lover of violence.
On the wicked he will rain coals of fire and sulfur;
a scorching wind shall be the portion of their cup.
For the Lord is righteous;
he loves righteous deeds;
the upright shall behold his face.

The roommates seem to have given up on their house-warming party idea ever since I forcibly collected the rent from them. Or maybe they just un-invited me. Cause you know, nothing spoils a house-warming party like an ugly reminder that you have to pay your damn rent to live here.

I dropped my marbles and now two are missing. If this trend continues...

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. MashaAllah.

As soon as I hear the opening notes of "Hear ye Israel" my posture changes and my vocal apparatus moves into F# position. Pavlovian!

Yo Hay River... tell me again about the weather? LOL

For the benefit of my more recent Facebook friends, I will explain how the Imran Khan joke came about.

For nine years, I lived in a small, isolated town where no guy would go out with me. And every guy I asked for coffee never spoke to me again. So, it became a running joke in my life to say "I should ask (some guy) for coffee." The more unrealistic, the better.

Also, for unrelated reasons, I'm learning the entire history of the world.

Then, on 27 January 2013, I left the small isolated town and moved 2400 km away to Winnipeg. And the first thing I did was to go check out the nearest library to see what they had about world history. And in the world history section, sitting on a shelf facing out, there was a book with a photo of Imran on the cover. I recognized him because I often read about him in The Economist.

So I look at the book and it says "Pakistan: a personal history", by Imran Khan. Great. Pakistan is important in world history. I must read this book.

So I take the book home and I look at the photos of Imran inside, and I thought "hey, this dude is rather handsome. I should ask him for coffee." <---- remember, running joke about asking unlikely guys for coffee. Then further in the book, I find out that he's divorced. So I was like "hey, he's divorced! I REALLY should ask him for coffee!" <---- still part of my running joke, see?

Then, I followed PTI's Facebook page, to see what sort of politics he was up to, and from there I followed "Explore the Beauty of Pakistan", and it was beautiful, so I started sharing the photos of Pakistan on Facebook.

Then... Several of my French and Canadian friends started abusing me for my interest in Pakistan. Er... Why? What is it to you that I'm looking at beautiful photos of Pakistan? Douchebaggery...

Well, since they were harassing me, I got MORE interested in Pakistan. But of course I couldn't read most of PTI's campaign materials, because they're in Urdu. So instead of learning Farsi like I was supposed to (for the purpose of reading history), I started learning Urdu.

The first word I learned in Urdu was "tabdeeli". The first word I learned to read in Urdu was "Pakistan".

So now I can read news stories about cricket in Urdu. I still don't know a single thing in Farsi. And I've accidentally convinced my brain that I have a crush on Imran. Oops...

So now you know.

Asad: Interesting dear, Imran is very peaceful friendly man. One day you will must have coffee with Imran or you will make coffee with your hand for Imran every day.

Me: I don't think that would be good for Pakistan. You don't want Imran strung out on my coffee. LOL

Via Imran Khan (Official): "Down the memory lane: Peter O'Toole, who passed away, loved cricket and would join in when I practiced at Lords' Indoor Nets."

Me: Ok, tell me this isn't one sweet photo.

Nathalie: Thank you Elise. <3

Me: Je pensais bien que tu aimerais. :)

میں اردو سیکھ رہی ہوں۔

I finally discovered a website that discusses Urdu grammar. Immediately I learned some grammar. And then I understood why when I asked my Sikh coworker "why don't you ever use a pallet jack" he said "yes, I am using pallet jack." Because they use the same tense for either a habitual or ongoing situation. I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T!

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, when I broke up with my last ex and people (as in "the therapist I fired not long after") asked me "what I was looking for" in a man, I came up with the formula "calm, kind and competent." I think that narrowed my choices down to Jack Layton. So I should probably add 1) single, 2) not dead and 3) hot. (Not that Jack wasn't handsome.)

Here's the thing. My voice is soprano, my temperament is mezzo, and my ears are tenor. And I just sang a bass aria. I'm totally confused as to my vocal orientation.

There is an LCC church on my way to my ELCIC church. Maybe I should go there next week and see if their Advent services are actually Lutheran or just a bunch of papist superstition.

This would have been a good day to stay home from church.

When is the weekend in Pakistan? Friday and Saturday?

Asad: Saturday and Sunday.

Me: Why don't you have Fridays off? You'd think an Islamic Republic would have Fridays off. How do you go to Friday prayers if you have to work?

Asad: Yeah it would be friday off but Pakistan copy western government so Saturday and Sunday day offs. On Friday everyone have permission to go for Friday prayer and then back to office.

Me: Well, I'm disappointed.

Asad: We also. But it depends in different offices they give Friday half day 08 am to 12 pm like my office but we don't have Saturday off. Just have Sunday off in a week.

Me: Then you could go to Friday prayers AND church. Unless you're a Jew.

Asad: It's rule for all. Everybody same in Pakistan even Muslim, Christian or whatever.

Me: I'm gonna ask my connections in Iran when they take their weekend. There must be SOME country that takes Fridays off. Here employers are supposed to accommodate each person's religion. So in practice everybody gets to work any time their boss says so and pretend they're happy to be there.

Asad: In UAE, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Oman still Friday off. So many Islamic countries having Friday off. You are not happy with your job or what?

Me: I like my job but they keep making my schedule so I have to miss church, even though both by law and their own policies I have the right to time off for worship.

Asad: But Muslim have to attend 5 time prayer in a day even in job we can go to mosque for worship.

Me: According to Wikipedia:
- Afghanistan has Friday off and half-day Thursday
- Iran has Thursday and Friday for public offices but Thursday half-day for private sector
- Algeria, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Egypt, Iraq, Jordan, Kuwait, Libya, parts of Malaysia, Maldives, Mauritania, Oman, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, Syria, UAE and Yemen have Friday and Saturday.

And I work nights so the prayers wouldn't affect my job anyway.

Asad: If you have busy schedule of job you want to come Pakistan? What you wanna do here?

Me: Mostly I want to visit. It looks beautiful. Also have coffee with Imran Khan. LOL

Asad: Yup Wiki says right.

Me: Originally I wanted to go to Iran for graduate studies but that was before I read Imran Khan's book and got interested in Pakistan.

Asad: Yup Pakistan is so so beautiful especially our northern areas, southern sea side and my city Lahore so beautiful. You know Imran is our hero. Once I just shake hands with him when he came to my area for attend ceremony and did political speech.

Me: Wow! I don't know anyone else who's shaken hands with Imran! I shook hands with Jack Layton about a year before he died but he's not as famous as Imran.

Asad: Imran nowadays is single. I think he really want you come Pakistan.

Me: LOL I think he likes being single.

Asad: You know I am also a part of Imran Khan political party if you want see my picture I can show you. Lol

Me: LOL!

Asad: Nobody want to stay single.

Me: If he didn't want to be single I'm sure he could have any woman he likes. He likes being busy with politics.

Asad: I know he is interested in Pakistani tourists.

Me: My plan is that I'm learning the entire history of the world, and when I'm done, I'll write a book about it, and when it's published, I'll send him an advance copy. That should get his attention, right? LOL

Asad: Look at that picture. I am on right bottom. I work for Imran Khan political party in elections and they make my banner in street. Lol

Me: WOW! You're too cool.

Asad: LOL thanks. And when you gonna finish your book please tell me time only in months cause he want meet you within a year?

Me: Well so far I'm only as far as the 3rd millennium BCE so... it will be a while. Maybe by then I'll have enough money to get a plane ticket to Pakistan. Or 2400 BH. Also I haven't made much progress in learning Urdu yet.

Asad: BH mean? InshaAllah you will have what you want. I can teach you Urdu, love to see you as my student.

Me: BH = "before Hijrah". Not used as often as BCE ("before common era"). I can read cricket stories in Urdu. All the words are actually English. And yes the Lord blesses me with everything good. If He wants me to meet Imran, then it will happen.

Asad: Ok I take your test. Imran Khan ne Pakistan ko cricket world cup jeetwaya 1992 mai. What I say?

Me: I don't know "jeetwaya" but Imran Khan led Pakistan to victory in Cricket World Cup in 1992. By the way I heard Sachin Tendulkar wants to start a political party as well.

Asad: InshaAllah if you come to Pakistan you can meet Imran Khan easily. He is very friendly and calm brave man.

Me: InshaAllah.

Asad: Yeah you are so good. Jeetwaya mean Pakistan win in Imran's supervision.

Me: LOL That wasn't very hard.

Asad: Hmmm maybe I don't know much about Sachin what he want. I think he can't do that cause he is different kind of man and have different personality not like Imran Khan.

Me: Yeah but in India all the celebrities have political parties.

Asad: So I can't have that pretty student cause you already know.

Me: LOL You know my profile picture isn't an actual picture of me. (N.Ed. my Facebook profile picture is a screen capture from Captain Blood.)

Asad: hmmm let's see when he gonna start new party and what he wanna do for his public. I see you in your other pictures and you are beautiful

Me: Maybe some day the whole world will be run by cricketers. Then we can decide everything by ODI instead of war.

Asad: then I want to be part of that cricket team who rule and work for public and give healthy life style instead of bad environment

Me: InshaAllah.

Google+ kept harassing me to upload a profile picture so I uploaded this one. It told me. "Are you sure people will recognize you? This picture doesn't seem to have a face in it."

Er... Yeah, I'm pretty sure PEOPLE will recognize me, thank you. Computers, on the other hand, will not. I'm smart like that. (Also it demanded to know my gender so I told it "other". What are you, my stalker?)

Wow. 1) Onward Christian Soldiers does wake the crap out of you, and 2) my Awesome Voice Teacher is right: if you don't sing the Rs, the brain hears them anyway.

Now I feel like I have accomplished enough for one day. Maybe I should go back to bed.

Do Muslims listen to hideous remakes of ignorant ditties about the Prophet (PBUH) non-stop for a month of every year? Because if not I'm DEFINITELY moving to Pakistan.

I got bored and surly enough to figure out how to put music on my phone. Now I shall wake up to "L'Internationale" for work, "All We like Sheep" for voice lessons, "Onward Christian Soldiers" for church, and "Farewell of Slavianka" for ballet. InshaAllah.

You know what makes me feel lonely? Stress. Therefore in order to feel less lonely, I don't need a boyfriend, just less stress. Not one more asshole but a lot fewer assholes in my life. QED.

Protesters and social media can turn me against pretty much any cause. I'm pretty sure I didn't roll my eyes every time I heard "human rights" before I was on Facebook.

Google Translate translates "Sachin" as "Tendulkar". I find that incredibly patronizing.

Altogether this has not been a good week... and the next four will almost certainly be worse. Sigh.

I think I could charge my roommate under sections 380 (fraud), 356 (theft from mail) and 56.1 (unlawful possession of official documents). But I'll have to wait until at least tomorrow to see if Winnipeg Police will actually investigate it, or roll their eyes like Hay River cops.

So I pull out my driver's license to show the cable company and I realize, it's my old one. The new one with my current address never came in the mail. Or... did it? I have seen NO mail since we moved into this house except my Economist. I know the roommate is taking all the utility bills before I can see them... Hmmmm... What are the odds that the bitch stole my DRIVER'S LICENSE when it came in the mail? Considering especially that SHE has no DL because it was revoked years ago?

Luckily I had the latest Economist on me, with the date and my name and address printed right on it, and they accepted that as proof of address. Thank you, Economist. Now what would make my day is if there was any information about replacing a stolen license on the MPI website... you'd think that would be important.

That magical day when I have to get up early and take a 35-minute ride across town to pay in person the cable bill that the roommate set up IN MY NAME, hid the bills from me, kept promising the cable company to pay, and told me she paid "because it was the least she could do." The cable company advised me to charge her with fraud.

"Out of 1,000 venereal victims admitted to Saint-Lazare for the first time between 1890 and 1900 there were 177 declared prostitutes and 832 clandestine ones."

If I've learned one thing about history so far, it's that historians don't know anything about numbers. I think they make up dates with a ouija board.

Jan: Perhaps nine of them were clandestine prostitutes.

Me: I'm glad I have a friend nerdy enough to care about these mathematical details with me.

Ever since I started voice lessons in February, everyone's been nagging me about my tongue. Too high, too far back, too in the way, always too something. And I'm always choking on it. (Unlike epileptics, singers can choke on their tongue.) But finally I got something across to my Awesome New Teacher.

Teacher: Don't pull your tongue back.

Me: I'm trying.

Teacher: Try keeping the tip of your tongue against your front teeth.

Me: I can do that and still pull back.

Teacher: ?

Me: The tip of my tongue is ALWAYS against my front teeth. And my tongue is folded over it.

Teacher: Say what??

Me, putting my tongue flat like they keep telling me: Thith ith how far my tongue goeth if I don't.

Teacher: Aaaaaaaugggh! You should be in KISS!


So many people would have enjoyed that comment so much more than me...

Are all drag queens gay?

How to lie successfully.

1. Do it as little as possible. Your reputation for integrity is the best cover for your lies.

2. Conversely, don't lie to somebody who suspects you. They'll notice the slightest flaw in your logic.

3. Speaking of which, keep lies absolutely logical. Nothing gives away a lie like the fact that it's blatantly impossible.

4. Never forget anything - neither the lie nor the circumstances surrounding the lie, which will allow people to judge the logic of the lie.

5. If called on it, play it absolutely cool. Freaking out will convince everyone that you really were lying.

6. Don't bother lying to someone smarter than you. They'll destroy any story you can build up.

Me: So I went to Messiah on saturday.

Voice teacher: Don't say anything! Don't say anything! I don't want those songs stuck in my head!

Me: Ok.

Voice teacher: Phew.

Me: All we like sheep!!


I crack me up.

The concert was very good, by the way, though a lot faster than I'm used to for Messiah. The choir was the University of Manitoba Singers, which is not the one I auditioned for, and has a really nice sound. Their sopranos especially sound a lot cleaner than massed amateur sopranos. I'm thinking I'll have to take a music degree just so I can join that choir.

Dear pants: it's kind of you to notice my recent weight loss; however, the best time and place to compliment me by sliding effortlessly off my arse sua sponte is NOT when I'm shovelling snow in front of my house in -25 C and broad daylight. Kthxbai.

Ioana: Did you moon anyone?

Me: Luckily for my neighbours, I had a knee-length coat on over my pyjamas.

Look at my horse, my horse like sheep have gone astray!

I wonder if I can get "All we like sheep" out of my head by watching "Look at my horse".

All we like sheep!

Ok, that's about enough syphilis for today. I need a nap. All we like sheep!

All we like sheep!

Because why should I be the only one with this song stuck in my head?

o/~ All we like sheep! All we like sheep! o/~

Sindh Culture Day mubarak! Or something...

Asad: How you know about that?

Me: Because Imran Khan said so.

Asad: Yeah it was. You are a fan of Imran or anything special? :D

Me: I follow him on Facebook and Twitter. I think he has potential.

Asad: Inshallah one day he will arrive Pakistan on destiny if people always support. He is a great and brave leader. We love his voice of justice.

Me: InshaAllah.

This soprano reminds me of a treponema.

Tatelena: I can't believe your fb'ing during the concert lmao. I luff u more now aha

Me: Sorry to disappoint you but it was during intermission. :)

Tatelena: Still pretty badass

Everything went according to plan. Messiah me, Winnipeg.

Civilization did not develop anywhere yaws or syphilis were endemic. Think about it.

Deirdre: Depends on your definition of civilization. Syphilis came from the "New World" and I would say there were some pretty advanced civilizations there.

Me: Wherein I discover that I did not make sufficient note of the map of archaeologically attested yaws and syphilis in said New World on which I based my conclusion. DAMN! Thanks for pointing that out. Anyway the short story is that a) syphilis was endemic to North America, and not even all of it, while yaws was endemic further south; 2) in South America, civilization developed in cool, dry Andean climates, which do not favour yaws; and 3) the origin of the Maya civilization and the incidence of yaws in Mayans are not known.

(Later.) I'm pretty sure the author was Bruce M. Rothschild. I just can't find the right paper again.

(Later.) So I still can't find the original source but I did find where Rothschild & Rothschild show that syphilis evolved from yaws ca. 2000 ybp on the Colorado Plateau and then spread out, reaching as far as Ecuador by about 800 ybp, when Ecuadorean cultures were already ancient. Syphilis can thrive in any climate but yaws needs a hot, humid climate which does not occur in most of Ecuador. I stand by my original statement.

The good thing about today is, I rescued enough money from the my-roommates-are-cunts debacle to buy a ticket to Messiah, which I've never heard live before. The bad news is, I slept four hours. It's gonna be a looooooooong concert.

In case you're wondering what a C6 is, it's a semi-tone higher than the second-last note. I can't find a video in the same key I do it.

Things to do:

1. Learn entire history of the world.
2. C6.

That is all.

Ioana: Only two items on your to do list? C'mon you can do better!!

Me: I like to keep my goal-setting realistic.

I've had a song stuck in my head for weeks and Google can't find the lyrics. Oh, the humanity!

Winnipeg Transit on Twitter: "delays can occur quickly". Er...

Wait...

What??

This is the same phone I had for work at HRCPD and I remember now how much I hated it.

Well, after all the trouble I went to to pay the rent, including collecting, depositing and remitting the money, putting in all the cash I had, getting a payday loan because the two idiots don't even have that kind of credit, and keeping in constant contact with the very pissed off landlord for two days, the roommates thank me by... giving me the cold shoulder. It would hurt my feelings if I had any. >8(

Diana: What's their problem?

Me: Male roommate's problem is that he's been doing contract work and having a hard time collecting his receivables. Female roommate's problem is that she has no integrity whatsoever.

Megan: I thought Female Roommate was the good one. Or did I miss a move?

Me: Female Roommate was better than the schizophrenic one at the old house, and better than the Little Princess. She's a tolerable roommate in that she doesn't make much noise. On the other hand she's always touching other people's stuff, she steals food, she doesn't pay rent on time, and she has no integrity whatsoever.

Coworker (laughing): Elise, where does this go?

Me (laughing): Scanner says... End Cap 099.

Coworker (laughing): Where is that?

Me (laughing): It doesn't exist. It's never existed.

Coworker (laughing): So where do I put it?

Me (laughing): I don't know!

Coworker (laughing): Come on! Where do I put it?

Me (laughing): Ask your supervisor!

Coworker (not laughing): Shut up.

I'm just gonna posit that I'd feel much better if there was cricket on TV just now.

Dans tout ça, j'ai failli oublier de souhaiter une joyeuse Saint François-Xavier à mes consoeurs de Sainte-Marie. Jésuite un jour, jésuite toujours!

The good news is, I can scare both the roommates into paying their rent almost in full and almost on time. The bad news is, why do I have to scare them to get the rent?

Oh well. At least I can scare people. That's the main thing. MashaAllah.

The worst part of Monday is wearing your freshly-washed work clothes that are too tight and full of allergens. (Also seeing your boss.)

The new phone failed to wake me up. You had ONE job, you ugly piece of trash.

Asad: u need a kid, not alarm

Me: "InshaAllah." NOT! LOL My dog can wake me up just by looking at me, but she doesn't like me going to work so she never wakes me when I actually need to get up.

Now I know for a fact my Iranian "doctor" is not a real doctor. His prescriptions are COMPLETELY LEGIBLE. Charlatan!

I find people who see the world entirely in terms of how men abuse women exceedingly tiring.

Jaeda: I can't like this status enough. I hate social heroes who are going to save us all from domestic abuse and hate crimes.

You know what I love about Xmas? It's the longest possible time before more Xmas.

Even if I were ever going to date it certainly wouldn't be my roommate's friends. Anyone who's friends with her is obviously a poor judge of character.

Tatelena: Probably right. Lmfao

Me: Srsly in September she spent part of the rent, let the cheque bounce, didn't tell anyone, I found out from the landlord and had to pay what she owed him. November, she actually WAITED for the cheque to bounce before depositing rent money so he couldn't get it. Didn't tell me, I found out from the landlord and had to pay what she owed him. Plus she hides all the utility bills so I won't see them. I got Hydro to email me a copy and set up the online account so now only I have access to it. I managed to get one water bill. Still have never seen a cable bill. Then she made sure the new roommate gave her the money for December so I couldn't take off the utilities portion of his rent. So I emailed her a reconciliation of all the transactions since we moved in, showing how much she now owes; and the payment for the difference between what she owes + what she got from the new roommate and our actual rent. She has the nerve to ask me to put in "my whole share". Bitch, I've put in over $1100 MORE THAN my whole share so far so no, I'm not giving you one goddamn cent extra. Pay your rent or fuck off.

And as another example of her total lack of integrity, when her son was over and he was trying to quit drugs, she sent him to buy some for her. I told her that wasn't helping him and she said "so? He's my dealer." What a fucking bitch.

Me, singing from Exsultate Jubilate: Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, FUCK.

That was the part where C6 missed again even though A6 was great. Nothing compared to what I said when the dog decided to express her opinion by pissing on her blanky again. You know what dog, with all the trouble I take for you, if you don't like my singing, you can fucking bite me.

Tired of assholes these days.

First Sunday of Advent, Year A. Three years ago I spent my first Advent as a Lutheran at Highwood Lutheran Church in Calgary, and what a lovely time I had there. And now on my first Sunday of Advent at my "forever home" church (if I may hope so), I was also the first person signed up for snow-shovelling detail. So I brought my steel-shod shovel and my ice cutter from home and started shovelling. Then Thor showed up and helped. Then Bryson showed up and helped. Between the three of us we cleared the entire property down to the pavement. It took about 75 minutes. Everyone was delighted, and since only my name is listed on the sign-up sheet... I got all the credit. The Lord is merciful and compassionate.

I like to know why things do what they do. Why? Because if I know why, I can work with them. Because my brain gives me chemical rewards when I understand things. Because I was educated by Jesuits and then got a science degree.

I know why I don't date. What I want to know now is, why do people want me to date? My pastor, my roommate, a manager at work, Facebook friends, people who don't know me from a hole in the ground... WHY? How does anyone get a reward from this? How would it affect anyone, ever? Why does it matter?

It's just so WEIRD.

Ioana: It's all about conformity. You not dating means you are different from the rest. People don't like different. Hence they are trying to get you in line with the norm, i.e. what they believe is good for you.

Me: Generally speaking, yes, they would have to assume that dating is good for me, but that doesn't explain how determined they are. They don't try to change any of my other idiosyncracies, such as wearing hijab or being a socialist. Maybe they just want to see my trademark sarcastic commentary applied to the context of a relationship.

Rob: I like both those theories. It would definitely be entertaining to me to hear all the antics of you in a relationship on Facebook.

Me: Somehow I don't think it would be very entertaining to me.

Of course the ONE DAY that I really need the internet because I promised the landlord I'd email him the money the roommate owes him as soon as I got home from work... our internet is not working. Fuck........ I had to go to McDonald's. Which cost me time and MORE money. >8(

I'm pretty sure Tim Horton's is the worst-managed company I know.

The roommates and I unanimously agree to have a house-warming party.

Female Roomate: I've got lots of friends I can introduce you to! You gotta put yourself out there!

Me: No thanks.

Roommate: Come on! You never know when the love of your life could walk into the room!

My dog walks into the room.

Me, pointing at the dog: Looks like it just did.

Roommate: The two-legged love of your life!

Me: Ah, you mean the penis of my life.

Roommate: You never know when a guy could walk in the room and you'll just know that's the love of your life.

Me: I'm pretty sure that wouldn't happen.

Roommate: You never know when a guy could take one look at you and know you're the love of his life!

Yeah. I call that one "Slimey".


Asad and Diana like this.

Facebook comment stream:

Tatelena: Do it! This is coming from me! Do it!

Diana: Ever cheeky! But hey what have you got to lose, your dog will still be there at the end of the day.

Asad: I want to be there

Me: You people crack me up. But unless Imran Khan is coming to this party, I'm pretty sure there won't be anyone there I'd want to have coffee with.

Tatelena: Well well well Ms.Negative please just put yourself out there this Time and you may be pleasantly surprised !! If not u still win by having some coffee. Win win.

Me: Clearly you haven't heard the sordid tale of Me and the Handsome One... and Slimey.

Tatelena: Fuck them I haven't heard the story of you going to a party ever!

Asad: I want hv time with u coffee+dance

Me: I was invited to ONE party in the nine years I lived in Hay River. And zero dudes bothered to call me and ask me out. So if all the guys who knew me for nine years couldn't be bothered to ask me out, I'm not gonna waste my time on the ones who fall in lust with me at first sight.

Tatelena: Sigh* not ALL men are the same gf

Asad: Its my bad luck i dont know u from nine years

Me: (To Asad:) Well we'll see what you think of that when you've known me for nine years. (To Tatelena:) I agree. Imran Khan is definitely unlike any dude I know.

N.Ed.: I wouldn't date Imran Khan. He's too entitled.

In the news today: my roommate, who collects the rent and (supposedly) remits it to the landlord, let the November cheque bounce (after collecting everyone's rent) on purpose so she could send in a lower amount. Cost: $149 in charges and a pissed-off landlord. Also, no-sugar-added jam tastes incredibly good compared to regular jam.

Note to self: never google a word that ends in "-itis".

I got a new phone. And a new phone number. And a new network. And a new plan. And it took over an hour and cost me money. And the new phone STILL WON'T LET ME INSTALL RINGTONES. Cunt. >8(

Allen: A woman that's not afraid to use the "C" word!

Me: I'm having a problem with swear inflation. The more I swear, the more the swears devalue. Then I need more and more brutal swears to keep up with it.

Sometimes you can't bring yourself to go to bed because when you wake up it will be Monday...

The "think before you click" meme

This meme is simple. If you "like" this status, I give you a random number, and you get to tell us that many things about yourself. So I got 10 from Sandra and 15 from Diana, and then I realized, I don't have 25 things to say about myself. Zut alors.

So the point is, you could just "like" now and I'll give you a number, or refrain from clicking because it's not as fun as you think. Optionally, you could read my 25 things.

There are broadly two categories of things I could say about myself: a) trivia, which is boring, and b) momentous reflections on my self-image, which you will either ignore, argue with, treat as self-deprecating cognitions, or revile me for. I've done memes enough times to know that. Too bad I didn't remember it before I clicked. So I'm gonna try to hit a middle ground of things that are not irrelevant enough to bore me, but irrelevant enough that you won't bother harassing me for them. Here goes.

1) One therapist told me I have "trust issues". I agree: I'm way too trusting.

2) I lack the ability to pander to someone's ego.

3) And that's exactly why I can't keep a job. They should make that an official disability.

4) I like insults better than compliments. Neither one tells me anything about myself but at least insults are more likely to be sincere.

5) My number one reason for ending a friendship is when someone doesn't value my time.

6) And my number two reason for ending a friendship is when someone buys into absurd propaganda like, say, the anti-hijab hysteria.

7) I don't date.

8. I don't see any reason ever to change that.

9) If I had to live my life over again, I'd never date in the first place.

10) I also don't make personal phone calls. Ever.

11) And I don't see any reason ever to change that, either.

12) I can observe fluctuations in two important neurotransmitters by the changes in my dreams. Now I need to figure out how all the other neurotransmitters show up in dreams, too.

13) I played piano for 17 years, yet I'm a much better singer than pianist.

14) I have difficulty applying any gender-specific language to myself.

15) I've been a Lutheran for almost four years and I still tend to say "Hell's yeah" instead of "amen".

16) I had insomnia from the time I was in the womb until 31 May 2008. Strangely, I was cured by being assaulted at work.

17) So far I've caused people to spend a total of 75 days of prison. And I'd be happy to do it again.

18) I still want to go to Antarctica.

19) If only with the supply ship. Crewing an ocean-going transport is one job I'd really like to try.

20) One of my current coworkers used to and I'm at least as smart as he is.

21) I'm highly responsible and a good problem-solver, so people mistake me for codependent. The difference between the two is, I don't give a fuck about other people's problems.

22) I quit codependence cold-turkey on 6 September 2005.

23) I also quit coffee once. Worst six weeks of my life.

24) I don't even like coffee.

25) I wish there was caffeine in cheese. Cheese is tasty.

And by the way the "Windy City" is Chicago. Not Winnipeg, Chicago. Google "Windy City", Winnipeg doesn't even come up. Fucking Hay River illiterati...

Well that was the lamest Christ the King service ever. Followed by the lamest talk on war photography ever at the WAG. I need a do-over on this weekend, it's been ruined. >8(

I don't even want to go to church. I never liked the music there from day 1, and I've since learned it's the same crap every week. Repetitive songs, played several times in a row, and repeated week after week. So... dull......

Last night at work I put away 26 skids in 8 hours. All the other guys together put away 121 in 60 man-hours (assuming they finished all their freight, which I don't know for a fact). Therefore my productivity is at least 61% greater than the team average. And I also had zero safety violations, put everything in its actual place, made lists of where everything is that doesn't have an assigned place, and fixed three shelf labels.

Meanwhile, my boss avoided me all night in the hope (I'm assuming) that I wouldn't finish and he could write me up for it.

Hmmmmm... That's just not gonna help him beat the harassment complaint. Oh no it isn't.

Voici venu le temps des rires et des chants
Dans l'Ile aux Enfants, c'est tous les jours le printemps
C'est le pays joyeux des enfants heureux
Des monstres gentils, oui c'est un paradis

(Winnipeg theme song)

More of The Brain's Freudian reading: "In visit to Auschwitz Museum this week, Ban Ki-moon affirmed the vague dignity of each human life".

We arrived at work last night and found that the day shift had had cake. They always have cake and don't leave us any. Strangely, the remains of icing were blue instead of orange. All the cakes are always orange because that's our company colour. Hmmmmm... Even more suspicious, there was a note saying a whole other cake was there for us, the night shift.

WHY? Why did they get a cake for the night shift? Is it poisoned?

Hmmmm...

At first coffee break, we got the cake. It was white with blue icing around the edge, a picture of the earth in blue and green, and the inscription "Diversity!".

HA! See, we knew it had to have been a trap. They wouldn't just give us a cake without some ulterior motive. Then someone made a comment about all that diversity being "hard to swallow" sometimes and that turned into a lot of "hard to swallow" jokes. After all, we still have the Gay Pride diversity poster in our lunch room. That's bound to give people joke ideas.

Finally someone gets around to cutting the cake, and inside it has an unsightly gunky whitish filling. Ew... Predictably, it was a marble cake, instead of carrot cake like we usually get (you know, on account of our orange theme - apparently bakers can't figure out how to put orange icing on anything but carrot cake). We all dutifully ate our Diversity Cake. It was insipid yet cloyingly sweet, it really was hard to swallow after a few bites, it left a bad taste in my mouth, and several of us felt like throwing up afterwards. Further jokes ensued on what an excellent metaphor that was, if only that had been the message management intended.

Then someone hit on the idea of calling it an Aryan Supremacy Cake. After all, it was white with blue eyes-ing, right?

If we weren't capable of turning just about anything into endless hilarity like this, all of us would have quit a long time ago.

Me: blah blah blah blah Send.

Gmail: Your email contains the words "are attached" but no files are attached. Proceed?


Ok: helpful, yet also totally creepy.

Me, after difference of opinion with a coworker: Google.

Google: Yes, Dave.

Me: was

Google: ?

Me: e

Google: ?

Me: l

Google: ?

Me: i

Google: Was Elizabeth I a man.

I never get tired of this game.

A thousand monkeys with a thousand typewriters would ultimately type out the complete works of Shakespeare. However, it would only take two monkeys throwing feces at each other to manage better than my boss. We like to save on our monkey costs, you see.

Just when I thought my day would get less angry when I got home... drone strike kills six in Pakistan.

I'm awake. Someone's going to pay dearly for this.

I arrive at church to serve the Lord.

My pastor: assalamu aleikum, sister.

Me: Waleikum assalam.

Pastor: How are you?

Me (making a long story short): Well... The Lord is merciful and compassionate.

Pastor: Bismillah ir-Rahman ir-Rahim.

Me: Exactly.


People sometimes ask me whether I'm a Lutheran or a Muslim, but there is no reason you can't be both. And I'm also a Franciscan and a Methodist. There is no god but God.

All night I was careful not to lose my rescue inhaler at work. I must have picked up the damn thing eight times because my pant pockets are badly cut and it kept falling. I make it home still breathing and still with the inhaler... put it down in my room and can't find it again. Well, with any luck, when I run out of oxygen Scumbag Brain will be the first braincells to die. Then I'd be free! FREE!!

Me at my voice lesson: I'm not very musical on the piano, because I tend to get really tense and obsessive.

Voice teacher: . . .

Roommate, talking about next door neighbour: He's way younger than me. Than both of us, really.

Me: What? No way he's younger than me.

Roommate: You're 42, right?

Me: No, I SAY I'm 42. I've been saying that since I was 26.

Roommate: So how old are you really?

Me: How old is he?

Roommate: 45.

Me: So he IS older than me.

Roommate: Oh, ok.


Hmmmmm... Does anyone else find fault with her reasoning here?

K. I get that you have kids. I get that you think they're fabulous. I get that you think this is due to all the things you did differently from all the other parents whose kids, let's face it, are degenerate brats. I GET IT. But still you're not the only parent ever to raise kids so you don't need to tell everybody else why they should be doing it YOUR way. Almost everyone does the best they can for their kids. Not everyone gets smug about it.

Sometimes my brain reads funny. I just read a headline as "Pakistan to try Musharraf for some reason." Which is not as bad as the time it thought McDonald's had "salauds" on the menu.

I bought new "winter" boots today. They're not Baffins. They have an 8" shank, a 1" heel, and no removable liner to dry on the woodstove. In fact if you had a huge crush on me, you could almost tell yourself they're "cute". Man, I feel like a city slicker now... (Also I bought them at Target for $27. Neener neener.)

Megan: Winter boots with a heel are not winter boots.

Me: Exactly. "Winter" boots.

The Canadian Stomp: that thing we all do when we walk into a public building in winter.

Among his many fine qualities, New Roommate is lactose intolerant. That means he won't be stealing my milk! The perfect roommate.

"Some, if not all of the friars, indulged in flagellation ceremonies concerned with mortification of the flesh."

Hmmmm... Either you don't know what flagellation is, or you don't know what indulging is.

Megan: I suppose mortification is SOME folks' idea of indulging.

Me: Maybe the "indulgent" part is that good feeling you get (I assume) when you stop.

Megan: If you're Catholic, it could lead to indulgences.

Me: If you still need indulgences after indulging in mortification of the flesh, you're not very good at mortification.

Look at my horse, my horse is amazing!

Look, phone company. I don't want a "smart" phone. I don't want a Blackberry. I don't want a "superphone", whatever the FUCK that is. I don't need a 1.5 GHz quad-core processor or a qHD screen or a 5 megapixel camera or 16 GB of memory. I don't care if it's preloaded with Android. I don't ever plan to "create, capture, share and stream content like never before". I don't give a tupenny fuck about the blazing-fast speeds on Canada's largest LTE network. I just need something that wakes me up on time for work and doesn't break when dropped. Just like phones used to do 10 years ago when I first had one. Why does THAT cost $130 while all the other crap is free?

I think my phone is trying to tell me I need a new phone.

Normally I ignore Xmas mania on the grounds that it doesn't do me any harm and stimulates the economy. But that was before the city closed down Portage Avenue for the Santa Claus parade... on November 16... for NINE HOURS. Are you fucking insane? NINE HOURS?????? Dafuq??? I'm so disappointed in you, Winnipeg.

Getting up with three hours of sleep on a Saturday to attend a master class. Tell me again why I love music?

When I'm overtired and I dream, I can't tell the difference between the dream and actual memories when I wake up. It's awkward. Luckily I know for a fact that I've never been to Pakistan so I can't have memories thereof.

This week I'm finally back to singing in full voice after three whole weeks off with strep throat. To my surprise, I've actually made good progress in those three weeks. And the concert I attended last Sunday seems to have made a difference, too, which is somewhat odd. But then, if I've learned one thing about singing, it's that you sing with your ears and your body, not with your voice. Strange but true.

The good news is, our boss is getting reassigned. The bad news is, it's the WRONG boss. My boss's boss, who's ok except for... well, not managing his managers at all. Oh well. Maybe the new guy will get rid of the actual boss.

How the fuck is it not Friday yet? I've worked a whole day and I'm tired.

I've said "cunt" at least 12 times already today and it's not even work time yet.

You know who I'd want to meet in heaven? Beria. Just to show how infinite God's mercy is.

The roommate stole all my Earl Grey tea except ONE teabag. I don't understand what kind of cuntish mental process makes her do this repeatedly instead of a) asking for some or b) letting me know she took some or c) just taking the whole fucking thing instead of always leaving you with one last spoonful of whatever in the previously full container. And now I have to spend yet more fucking money to put a lock on the cupboard. People are cunts all of them and I hate everything. Except my dog. Everyone else can fuck off and not fucking talk to me anymore. Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt.

Oh I see... It's about the hijab. Bitch, you're lucky I wasn't getting off at your stop or you'd learn the meaning of fear. IA.

Un gars dans le bus me bouscule chaque fois que des gens montent ou descendent!

Gasp! My library materials are due! I'll be sure to run on down and get more then! Thank you, Winnipeg Public Library, for reminding me I need more reading materials. Be right there.

The dog is holding both ears at the same angle again. That's got to be a good sign. Or something.

It's World Pneumonia Day! Not sure what the celebrations entail, really, but hey, Happy World Pneumonia Day!

People who don't know how to conjugate "how dare you"... shouldn't.

‘S ist mal bei mir so Sitte,
Chacun à son gout!

I hate when people are constantly posting hyperbolic updates on Facebook about how amazing their new relationship is. Not because they're in a new relationship and I'm not... just because I know that in just a few weeks or months they'll be constantly posting hyperbolic updates about how hellish their breakup is.

Caroline: Bah, c'est intéressant sur le plan scientifique, du coup. Ça permet de vérifier une loi.

Me: Une fois ou deux, oui, mais on s'en lasse vite.

Megan: I think it's unseemly. I barely correspond with my partner on Facebook. We have plenty of in-person opportunities to tell each other how we feel.

Me: Me too. In fact my dog doesn't even read my Facebook.

I look up Boston Pizza on the map because I'd like some spaghetti. There is one a short walk away. And on the map between here and there, it shows "Manitoba Electrical Museum." Hmmmmmm... I must go see this.

For three months, the door locks were giving us trouble, until last week I doused them in WD-40. Now they work. Hence:

Me: Well the locks sure work better now.

Roommate: I never had a problem with them.

Me: What? You bent your key last week.

Roommate: Oh yeah that's right! I forgot about that.

Right. About that AND three months of everyone fighting with the door locks. I'm mesmerized by the mental processes of people like her who can rearrange reality in their heads at the drop of a hat.

Unless you care about Omar Khadr, I don't care what you care about. Fair is fair.

You know why rock concerts are more popular than baroque concerts? Because at a baroque concert it's customary to be completely sober, sit still, and shut up.

Unbeknownst to me, I was sitting right in front of Elroy Friesen. Winnipeg is actually a surprisingly small place.

Not to mention that these pews are hard on the arse. And I don't have any coffee.

They should have some kind of uniform hairstyle. The wide variety of hideous hairstyles is distracting.

The average age at this concert looks like 83 or so.

There are so many concerts going on, I can't even remember which one I'm going to tonight. I just know where and when to show up and expect awesomeness. Y'all just wish you were in Winnipeg.

I accidentally saw some pictures of the wives of the royal family of England today. Whereupon it occurred to me that one huge perk of not marrying a prince, charming or otherwise, is that I don't get told how to dress by royal taylors and/or stylists. Only the Queen can rock that style.

So far today: filed my harassment complaint against my boss; took my last dose of penicilin. The weekend is off to a promising start!

The dog has some kind of ear infection / ear mites / ear something. Maybe that's why she's been so surly lately.

Email from RWB to me. Subject: "we'd like to say thanks." Text: "We hope you enjoyed our ballet adaptation of Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale. Your continuous support makes world premieres like this possible! Help us continue to present new and exciting works like The Handmaid's Tale by donating to Canada's Royal Winnipeg Ballet."

Er.... Since when does "thanks" sound so much like "give me money"?

I sure hope this rash is a side-effect of penicillin and not shingles AGAIN.

Wait... tomorrow is Guy Fawkes day.

Hey, it's Guy Fawkes Night! Sounds like an auspiscious time to have a huge blowout with my boss. Buhahaha!

Heated bus benches to keep your ass warm while you wait. Thank you, Winnipeg.

"Ducks at risk of attack by predators are able to balance the need for sleep and survival, keeping one half of the brain awake while the other slips into sleep mode." DAMN DUCKS! I wanted that feature.

Can't breathe lying down. Can't sleep sitting up. (Not cause I can't, really, but because The Brain likes excuses to stay awake.)

You can live 11 days without sleep, but why would you want to?

Apparently, a guy is trying to get to the South Pole... on a bicycle. Dafuq? Should I assume a) the Axel Heiberg route or b) I'm hallucinating after several nights of nocturnal asthma instead of sleep?

I CAN SING! I CAN SING! At the octave and not in full voice, but I can actually sing "Hear Ye Israel" again. After 12 days. MashaAllah! (Ok, sceptics will tell me it was the penicillin and not the Lord. But penicillin is a gift of the Lord so maybe subhanAllah, but either way the Lord is gracious and compassionate.)

Email message:

Dear (e) client (e)

We inform you that your account is about to expire in less than 48 hours, it is imperative to conduct an audit
prform an audit of your information now, otherwise your account will be deleted.
Just click the link below and log in wth your Apple ID and password.

Check here

Why you email he sent ?
The sending of this email applies when the expiration date of your account expires.
For more information, see

thank you,
Assistance to Apple customers

©2013 Apple Inc.All rights reserved.
AppleCare is a service mark of Apple Inc.

=======
Hmmmmm... I wonder if it's a scam? If only there were a way to tell!

By the way here is something funny. The roommate and I had BOTH put ads on Kijiji to find a new roommate. Everyone who replied to MY ad was a construction worker, even though I did say the other inhabitants are two women and nowhere did I swear or even mention my work experience. The woman who replied to the roommate's ad (after I had given the room to New Roommate) was... in a panic to get out of her current situation because she's scared of her schizophrenic roommate... just as Roommate was when we lived in said schizophrenic roommate's house. Apparently we each attracted people who are much like ourselves. Mine are just better.

Oh yeah, and it's nice to know that any time we want a new roommate, we can just poach refugees from our crazy schizophrenic ex-roommate's house.

Megan: Wait, the other applicant was Old Roommate's current roommate?

Me: EXACTLY. That's why it's so hilarious.

Megan: Geez. Yes, I guess you can be sure you'll always have a back-up roommate.

Me: Unless of course Old Roommate gives up trying to find a roommate who will put up with him.

From my Twitter feed: "esti" is now trending in Montreal.

Ouch...

Remember the "heavy" desk that I had to move for the Little Princess because he couldn't budge it? And then he and the other roommate dragged it into his room, scratching the hardwood floor?

New Roommate can lift it by himself. And not scratch anything.

And he did a great job on the doorknob. And I can borrow his tools. BOOYA.

Dana: OOOOOOOHHHH... and how old is he???

Me: Who cares???? He lives in my house and lets me borrow his tools. The perfect man.

Dana: ROFL!!! You crack me up!

The first three emperors of China ruled on average 246,000 years each. I think we can rule out murder in their case.

Winnipeg bylaws specify that if renting a separate room in a dwelling, you have to put a lock on it. So I had bought a keyed-entry doorknob and borrowed the neighbour's drill to install it but... the drill's battery was dead. So New Roommate shows up and his room has no doorknob at all.

So

he

.

.

.

.

.

pulls out a Makita drill and installs his own doorknob.

HA! Finally picked a winner!

The roommate describes herself as "a clean freak". In practice what this means is: I clean everything, then I leave (my) Swiffer pointedly out in the hallway, and she equally pointedly puts it back in the broom closet. Also she keeps folding Her Majesty's blanky, which is dumb because a) if Her Majesty liked her blanky folded, I would obviously keep it folded for her and b) Her Majesty pisses on the blanky, so you don't want to touch it, really.

Anyway. Today, New Roommate is moving in, so the incumbent roommate decided to do some cleaning. GASP!! We should get a new roommate every week, then I wouldn't have to do all the chores.

Ok. So first, the roommate used the last Swiffer dry cloth. And threw it out. And left the empty box in the broom closet. Now there are no Swiffer dry cloths. Then, she used a wet cloth, and left the wet cloth box open (so they'll dry out) and resting at an angle in the basket on the back of the closet door (so it leaked all over me when I opened said door).

All this wouldn't be so bad if she had at least made the effort to scrub off the Nutella stains her son left all over the kitchen floor...

Donna: So now your wet Swiffer cloths are your new dry cloths!

Me: Maybe she planned it that way. Cause, you know, she's good at planning.

Today I have strep throat AND a migraine. The Lord is gracious and compassionate.

Every time you try to google causes of death in Chinese emperors, all you get is Qin Shi Huangdi.

Somewhere on my feed: "(someone) had severe side effects from Gardasil. Trying to prove that it was caused by Gardasil is extremely difficult." Hmmmmmm... I admire your ability to continue in life despite this complete lack of logic.

Megan: Severe symptoms after taking, perhaps. Not side effects, necessarily.

Me: The proof is made more complicated by the facts that a) the alleged side-effects happened five months later and b) there is no conceivable mechanism by which Gardasil could cause such side-effects.

Actual line in my reading notes:

? → what?

This has Scumbag Brain's fingerprints all over it.

Me: Google.

Google: Yes, Dave.

Me: 5...

Google:

Me: 2...

Google:

Me: 5...

Google: 525,600 minutes.

Me: Bingo!

I actually do that on purpose. Type something really slowly into Google to see how many keystrokes it will take to guess what I'm trying to say.

Little-known home improvement tip: you have to paint UNDER door hardware, not OVER. If you want a white doorknob then just buy a white doorknob.

Deirdre: That's little known?

Me: Must be, because everyone seems to just paint over everything.

Roommate walks by as I'm putting a second coat of paint on the New Roommate's door. "Hey, if there's any paint left, I'd like to do my bedroom door. And the bathroom."

.

.

.

.

.

.

Dafuq?

Well, I'll let y'all know in 12 weeks or so what kind of insane Jackson Pollock job she makes of it.

All right, by popular demand, a roommate story.

As you may recall, on moving day, the various people who attempted to get the roommate's couch into the house succeeded in putting a quite nasty hole in the drywall. But then, the roommate's 80-something father used to be a drywaller, so he patched the drywall. The repair is about... hmmmm... eyeballing it, let's say 24" by 16". Or so. And then, since he taught his daughter all she knows about drywalling, he left it to her to tape and mud.

Right.

So the roommate taped (I'm assuming) and then mudded. With a backhoe, by the look of it. She actually covered the ENTIRE PATCH in joint compound, plus the original wall to a distance varying from 6 to 18".

Then...

she put on another coat!!!

The second coat is just as rough as the first, nor did she sand between coats. WTF?? This isn't paint, you know. You have to sand mud between coats. How the fuck do you not know that?

And then...

Nothing. For the next 11 weeks, despite repeated references to the drywall cleverly inserted by me in conversation, she did nothing. Though every time I mentioned it, she mentioned she had done a second coat of mud.

RIGHT. Because I was likely to forget why the wall in the hallway looks like the surface of Mars.

Recently, I went so far as to include the drywall repair as part of a To-Do List I was making for myself, aloud, in front of her. "No, no," said the roommate, "I'll do it." And then she added...

"I did a second coat."

RIGHT.

Ok, so then yesterday, I was prepping the door of the new roommate's room for the new (keyed-entry) doorknob. Therefore I needed to paint the door, therefore I needed to sand the door. And while I had the palm sander out, I decided to sand the psycho mud job as well.

R. I. G. H. T.

First of all, good news! She DIDN'T cover the entire surface of the patch. She missed a few spots. While others are at least 1/4" deep in mud. Great, that's gonna be easy to smooth...

That was the good news. The bad news is, because she mudded way too fast (well duh), there are air pockets EVERYWHERE. The more you sand, the more it looks like the wall has smallpox. FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

And then, of course, like any lousy finisher, she heaped concealer on the parts she was trying to conceal, thus making huge humps everywhere there is tape.

Sigh... Seriously, never before have I considered taking the BELT SANDER to drywall.

So, after 20 minutes with the palm sander, I had the wall down to where...

the tape is starting to show.

Great! I guess I got most of the crap off of it then. It's still full of air bubbles, streaks, dings and gouges, but at least it's almost all off. Enough that I could now FINALLY put on the next coat of mud. But first, time to go to work.

So I start sweeping the dust. "20 minutes of high-speed sanding" worth of drywall dust. Is there a lot of dust? Yes. Yes, there certainly is. Then the dog walked through the dust, for good measure, and tracked evil little white paw prints all over the house. And in the middle of cleaning up all this douchebaggery, the roommate comes downstairs and says to me

.

.

.

.

.

"That stuff's a bitch to clean up, eh?"

Ba-dum ts.

So many stories, so little time. Would you guys rather hear the one about the roommate or the one about my boss?

Jane: Roommate!

The establishment is decorating buildings for Xmas. Must be November 1.

A bus ride on Pembina is like a massage chair with a view.