Good news: the insect on my bed does not look like the bed bug in the Book of Bugs. Bad news: what if it's something even worse?

Me: Seriously, there has to be a way to say "it's sunny."

Urdu teacher: Well... You could say "it's hot."

Me: No you can't. In winter when it's sunny it's cold.

Urdu teacher: Hmmmmmmm...

Me: Ok, today it's cloudy. How do you say it's cloudy?

Urdu teacher: Well...

Me: Surely if clouds are rare, you comment on them.

Urdu teacher: Oh, there are lots of clouds, but they just blow over and don't rain. We curse them.

Me: Ok but suppose you call your mom and tell her it's cloudy.

Urdu teacher: I speak Pashto with my mom.

Me: Well I'm NOT learning Pashto. People would think I'm a terrorist. (Both laugh. Cause this joke is seriously funny if you know things about Pakistan that you rich-world people don't know. Neener neener.)

Me: So what DO you say about the weather?

Urdu teacher: We say it's hot. Then we swear. (Ed.: Wow, they swear a lot. I'll just fit right in! Especially when the caffeine withdrawal starts to kick in.) You need to give up on this sunny / cloudy thing. (Ed.: Huh? What is this "give up" you speak of?)

Me: Ok let's do something else. If I say "makri hay" that means there's a spider, right?

Urdu teacher: Well...

Me: What, there are so many spiders you don't even bother mentioning them???


In conclusion, I now know how to say "the weather is good" which is obviously a damn lie, and "there is a spider on my pillow" which I think could be used as some sort of rudimentary pick-up line. Good progress!

Goslings are hatched already????

Or as I like to say, "experience is what allows you to recognize a mistake when you make it a second time."

Looks like another one of those days where I'm not even home by the time I have to leave for work.

I wish my iPod had a deadman switch so the audiobook would stop as soon as I fall asleep.

Look, spider: I mean you no harm, but get off my pillow or I'll kill you.

At night all you hear are the frogs and the deer's footsteps.

I wish I had two brains so I could learn two things at once and they'd take turns sleeping so learning would proceed round the clock.

Barbara: Some fish sleep in half their brains at a time, thus staying awake enough to swim and breathe 24/7.

Me: Awesome.

The dog worked up a huge appetite by lying on the church lawn for 2 hrs watching us church ladies garden. What a strange creature.

Coworker: I'm going to Africa for four weeks.

Me: Cool! Where in Africa?

Coworker: Zambia.

Boss: Watch out for snakes.

Coworker: No, there aren't too many snakes.

Me: Scorpions! Africa is full of scorpions.

Coworker: Well... Mostly in the desert. And like in Sudan... and in Botswana... they have "Bushmen", they're these short people...

Me: What does that have to do with scorpions?

Coworker: And you should never mention their size to them.

Me: But how did we get from scorpions to short people?

Boss: Yeah, she's right.

Coworker: Seriously, they really don't like it.

Me: It's not the scorpions that get you, it's the short people.

Coworker: Precisely.

All this effort to get online and not a thing to see once I get there. BAH! I'm going to bed.

Go to Tim Horton's after work to use their free wireless. Buy breakfast so I can sit in the store using the wireless. Power goes down, knocking out the wireless, causing me to notice that further down the list of networks is... my own place of employment, which apparently ALSO has free wireless. You think someone could have told me this????

Everybody's least favourite words: "can you work tonight?"

Good news: there are grey squirrels in Winnipeg. Bad news: they're grey.

Do you really think, if marijuana actually treated anything, the pharma industry wouldn't have commercialized it after 5000 years?

Deirdre: Because if the commercialized something that really worked they would lose all that money selling the things they know don't actually work as well, forcing people to buy more...

Me: Et tu, Deirdre? LOL

I wonder if I could teach my dog to use PECS.

K seriously, today's phrase of the day is MOI J'M'EN TABARNAK EN ESTI. I get so tired of people expecting me to give a fuck about things.

My interlibrary loan is here! Too bad I got up so late in the day that I don't have time to go get it today. But once I get it on Monday, I get to read, simultaneously, TWO books titled A History of Ancient Egypt, by the same publisher, that are NOT the same book. (And I sure hope the ILL one is better than the WPL one.)

My dog isn't and never has been my "baby." She's more like my clownfish. She's even the right colour.

Me when I found out Imran Khan was in hospital.

People in Hay River: "You're always reading and learning on your own. Fuck off, you arrogant bitch, we don't need your book learning here."

People in Winnipeg: "You're always reading and learning on your own. I wish I was more like you."

I've come to the right place. It's kinda sad that where I wanted to be wasn't the right place, but thanks to the people who were total douchebags to me up north, I don't even actually miss it. You know what I think, Hay River? Your loss, not mine.

If anyone still wonders "when" I'm moving to Pakistan, the answer is never. My Urdu teacher says they're not big on coffee. BARBARIC!

Wow. The bus just drove past Monsanto Canada.

Mardrey: Yuck

Me: Yeah, I figured some of my Facebook friends would want me to go back and put a few rocks through their windows, or something.

Learned to write my name in Urdu. Booya!

Ahsan: So how you write your name in urdu? Like that 'الآیس میریۂ'

Me: We didn't have the second alif in "Elise" like you do but otherwise yes. And it's interesting that you used siin, which is what I use too. Faiz (my Urdu teacher) thought it should be se. I think it's cool that with Urdu letters I can actually specify how I want my name pronounced.

Followed shortly by discovery that bus is beastly late.

My day was going smoothly until I realized my notepad is not in my backpack. Sigh...

A garbage truck with a robotic arm!!!! I'm sure glad I moved to the rich part of town.

I fear the Matrix has me. I told my boss we have a lot of product that isn't merchandized.

Time to get ready for work and I'm not even home from singing yet. Fuuuuuh...

When you say you're studing Urdu, people are more likely to say: a) "good for you"; b) "making much progress"; or c) "what's Urdu"?

Brain: Oh look, a library!

Me: We don't need to go to the library.

Brain: But they have books! We could get some!

Me: We already have books.

Brain: Yes but those are the ones we already have. We could get books we don't already have.

Me: You haven't even read all the ones we have yet.

Brain: What does that have to do with it?

Me: Look. We're NOT getting a book.

Brain: Yeah. Just wait and see what I lose just before you have to go to work.

Wikipedia indicates that it does, in fact, rain in Karachi sometimes.

K. Missed two appointments. Got an ugly allergic reaction to something. Didn't get much sleep. Still 13.5 hours until I can go back to bed. The only solution is to drown my problems with coffee.

K, I'm gonna start swearing for real if something doesn't go my way soon.

Holy crap. Last time I saw gas prices this high, I was in Inuvik.

Dear Sherlock Holmes: you were wrong. It WAS the impossible, not the implausible. You bastard.

Two hours later: cancelled one appointment already, still no glasses.

How the fuck is it possible that I lost my glasses?

This is gonna be a looooooong day.

A public service announcement to all the douchebags in my life: driving while high is a form of impaired. And don't think I'm not phoning it in the moment you pull out of the driveway.

Not feeling real fucking patient right now.

Mosam acha hay. Sunny, even.

Hello, coffee. Have you come to solve all my problems?

Go-go gadget... Urdu alphabet flashcards!

When I sit up I feel sleepy; when I lie down I feel wide awake. Scumbag Brain.

Wow. Those maudlin Italian love songs suddenly make perfect sense when you're off your meds.

The Economist: "Will future historians ever understand how dull and pointless life was in the 21st century?" I <3 u, Economist.

Conversation in the new house: the girls talk about construction; the dude has no idea what we're on about.

Walking in the rain with my head down; nearly had collision with deer doing same.

Underpriviledged child won't stop fussing in library; underprivileged parent removes it from library. Wow. You rock, Winnipeg.

From my Twitter feed: "on May 19, 1974, Valéry Giscard d'Estaing narrowly defeated François Mitterrand in France's presidential election." Bin ça ne me rajeunit pas...

When you're minding your own business, reading The Economist, and they mention a climatologist with whose work you're acquainted for reasons of your own. Like a BOSS.

Library gates open; at least 40 people stampede inside. No one injured.

Diana: Oh so that's where you've been. The book of faces has been placid lately.

Me: Yeah, I don't have internet at the new place because the guy forgot his wireless password, supposedly. But considering that he's behind on every bill, Netflix is cut off, water is sending threatening letters... I'm thinking he didn't so much forget his password as neglect to pay the bill. Can't win them all...

Diana: Is he winning any of them?

Me: No, I'm pretty sure he couldn't spell "win" to save his life. He does have a beautiful daughter, but she lives with her mother.

Diana: Not really enough fodder for facebook drama. Move back to your old place, they were more fun to read about.

Me: As to that: I gave my notice and the landlady emailed back after two days saying she doesn't accept my notice. Er.... What does that even mean? You gonna make me move back in?
Diana: Haha. What DOES that mean?

Me: Mostly it means more evidence of her insanity for me to give the rental authority to support my case when I have to make them intervene to recover what she owes me (over $1100 by my calculations).

Diana: Better get on that before she does something honourable and makes herself look good.

Me: Oh yeah. I'm sure that could happen ANY TIME NOW. But since it's a long weekend and my notice only expired I think today, I can't really do anything right at the moment. Probably Thursday since I don't have to work.

Un jour je voudrais que le journal m'appelle "un déséquilibré."

Abdellah: Pourquoi?

Me: Bin c'est mieux que "forcené" mais ça suggère quand même que tu viens d'avoir une aventure bizarre.

Boss, watching a guy take forever with the reach truck: I got to get you trained on the machines.

Boss, after a full-time equipment operator quits: I got to get you trained on the machines.

Boss, having just been given attitude by a full-time equipment operator: GOD I got to get you trained on the machines.

I don't even have to nag him, he nags himself.

Note to self: places with many birds also have many bird droppings.

4 am on the shop floor.

Candace (day shift manager who's theoretically on vacation), over the PA: Ross, where are you?

Ross (day shift manager who's been in days and nights all week), over the PA: You'll never find me! Mwahaha!

Candace, over the PA: Marco!

Ross, over the PA: Polo!

One good thing about my job is they work the managers until they're delirious, so it's not just us grunts for once.

Me: How do you say "it's sunny"?

Urdu teacher: Well we wouldn't say that.

Me: So what do you say when it's sunny?

Urdu teacher: Nothing. It's always sunny.

Me: It can't be always sunny. Sometimes it snows.

Urdu teacher: Only in the north.

Me: So what do they say in the north when it's sunny?

Urdu teacher: They speak Pashto, not Urdu.


So I learned to say "spider" instead. I'm pretty sure there isn't a language that doesn't have a word for spider.

VERY strange things my boss says: "make sure you keep nagging me about it." Hmmm... You might come to regret this, boss.

Bird #115: golden-crowned kinglet. Bird #116: American goldfinch.

I'm pretty sure the bitches at the other house stole my mail the week I was moving.

Huge flight of tundra swans, very low altitude, excellent light... no camera.

People on the quad playing with two cricket bats and a soccer ball. Must be a version of Calvinball.

I'd be lying if I said the new roommate isn't totally off his rocker. Maybe normal people in Winnipeg don't have roommates because the rents are too affordable?

Tiffany: Or maybe almost everywhere has a high nut-bar concentration? That's my theory!

Me: We're not talking delightful quirkiness here. These people have some serious deficits in social functioning.

The mosquito truck is out! Must be summer.

Strange things my pastor says: "I guess now that I’m your pastor I really need to meet your dog some time. I will invite him/her to our blessing of the animals service in October." Errrrrr... Well she'd probably just ignore him, but I can't rule out the possibility that she'd start crawling on the ceiling and spinning her head 360 degrees.

Feedback from my voice teacher: "I like having you as a student. You're a hard worker and you read music extremely well." WTF? You mean other people read music even worse than I? Then she continues: "I want to get you singing with soul." BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Good luck with that.

Must be morning in Pakistan by now, which means it's election day. I hope nothing happens. InshaAllah.

Hello, free Tim Horton's wifi. And expensive Tim Horton's iced capp.

Sometimes I wonder if Slimey knows I call him Slimey.

Accidentally made eye contact with a guy who looks like Slimey. Ew ew ew!!!

In this house, people smile, speak to each other, and eat food together. Like normal people.

231,000,000% inflation. How does that even work?

And now, more sitting on the lawn.

Wait a minute... What bus am I on?

Goodbye, handsome dude who's been looking at me this whole long bus ride. I'd stalk you, but, you know...

Young construction workers on bus talking about education, being courteous to others and not swearing. This place is weird.

We will return after these messages

I moved out of the House of Dog Shit in a hurry. The new place is clean but the guy forgot his wifi password so I have to go out and find free wifi to get online. So not so much right now. Back soon.

Sitting on the lawn with my dog and my Economist. I'm doin' alright.

Nice to have you back, dog. Otherwise who knows how much sleep i could be getting.

The dog likes this place. Nuff said.

Don't have to be anywhere for 24 whole hours. Sweet.

That looks a lot like a First Air plane.

Also my boss called me a superstar. But more importantly, sleep.

Been up 23 hrs. Can sleep 4 before having to pick up dog. Woe.

So I'm offline for 36 hours, get on to check news, first thing I see is Imran Khan in hospital. Dafuq?????? But then it turned out it was just a fall, not a terrorist attack and he'll be fine. So back to my own problems.

The bus just passed a Mustang. Must be hard on the ego.

Did I seriously just see a Fiat dealership?

Wow. The people on this bus are visibly advantaged compared to the 20.

Aaaaaaaaah... Clean at last!

Found my soap!!!! Yay, shower!

And now, sleep. I miss my dog.

Why is it people never know how to connect to their own wireless?

Crazy how fast Winnipeg switches from winter to summer.

U-haul empty. Next task.

Why is there so much more stuff than boxes? I just did this three months ago.

Blah.

Dog in kennel: check. U-Haul: check. Parking restriction on my street for street cleaning: check. Well rested and full of energy: not check.

Booked dog into kennel so she doesn't have to sit through the move. If only I could check myself into a hotel for two days and come back to find all my stuff moved.

Today the house smells like: vomit. Thank God it's only one more sleep.

My weekend: work 8.5 hours, sleep five, go to ballet, sleep seven, go to church, * sleep four, go back to work 8.5 hours, sleep four, move house, sleep... 16, I hope. Dead tired already and I'm only at * yet.

I accidentally joined my church choir. It was our musical day and I was in the chorus. But no one else volunteered for the chorus so the church choir became the chorus. So I got to wear a gown and sit with the choir. After the service several people said to me "I'm so glad you finally joined the choir!" Oops... I guess I joined the choir, then.

Blind person on bus giving very accurate description of bus's actions and surroundings to confused sighted person. Cool.

شب بخیر (unless that doesn't mean what I think it means)

I miss my dog.

Wow. The house absolutely stinks of piss. Good thing it's only two more days.

$29 ticket; second row. What the?

Some guys really don't know how much makeup is way too much.

Walk to #44 stop: bus 2 min early, i miss it. Walk 12 min to #11 stop: bus gets there as I wait to cross street, I miss it. Fuuu...

And now, ballet.

Dear Male Roommate: just give it up. You obviously don't know how to make her come, and today is clearly not your day either. Just go have your forty-minute shower, it sounds much more enjoyable for you.

(Later) 14 whole minutes, gave up with no winner. Well, at least you tried.

When I think about it, the mental image I have of the room at the new place suggests a fixed window which therefore won't open either. Hmmmmmmm... Well that's ok, the guy is easy-going, I'll talk to him.

(Ed: as it turns out, it's a large casement window. Booya!)

MashaAllah, the place I looked at will do just fine and I move on Monday. The neighbourhood is beautiful, you'd think you're in the country. Right close to the end of developed land in Winnipeg. The house is small but clean and well-lit and more importantly it's on a HUMONGOUS property. Lots and lots and lots of lawn, backyard is half fenced and half essentially woodland. The roommates are slightly older than me. The owner lives there and he understands that caca = dirty, thanks be to God. We will be painting some rooms over the summer, I hope he might let me pick the colour for my room. It's also much, much closer to my work, also to the UofM so I will be able to access their library; yet oddly, the bus to church leaves both the old and new places at the same time. So no need to get up any earlier. It's also minutes from several parks including Assiniboine Park which is the biggest park in Winnipeg. And to McNally Robinson which is the biggest bookstore in Winnipeg (not that I need to buy books when I have the library). Taking the bus to the conservatory or Millennium library will take a little longer, but it's well worth it. So again I say, mashaAllah.

On my way to view a room for rent. Hopefully it works out.

In the "relationship status" drop-down menu, Facebook should add "Forever Alone".

Ba-dum tssss.

The thing with stress is, it makes me unable to focus on studying. Good thing I'm not on a deadline.

Announced Winnipeg performances for this summer, so far: Loreena McKennitt; Megadeth; Les Miserables. What about you, Hay River?

I got David Brin to look at my blog. Oh. Yeah.

On the news today: "Musharraf party to boycott Pakistan election". ??????? Epic "you can't fire me, I quit."

It's my Pakistani friend's birthday! Conclusion: I now know how to say "happy birthday" in Urdu. I'd be so popular in Pakistan, everything I know how to say is a courtesy or "Pakistan zindabad." Plus of course zebra, cow, tiger, elephant, and lemon. I could work at the zoo or a lemonade stand.

Me: People tell me I don't ask for help enough, and then I ask for help, and I don't get any. Can't say I'm feeling my usual upbeat self right at the moment.

Jaeda: *cough* "usual upbeat self" *cough*

Me: I did say "upbeat", not "mindlessly uncritical".

Jaeda: Ok. I can give you that haha

My pastor always asks if there's anything he can do for me. I say no. So this morning I emailed him to ask for some help. Didn't hear back from him. At 22:09 I get a text from someone else at church asking me to do something relating to the musical.

Faith in mankind: not so much right now.

Mothers' Day flyer from Chapters-Indigo suggests: Lean In. Yeah that's a nice Mothers' Day gift. "Thanks for growing me up, mother, but you should really have been more committed to your career."

Getting people to state in writing that they are breaking their contractual obligations is a very useful skill.

K I just have to tell this anecdote in more than 140 characters. Bitch on Twitter writes: "How many explosions did Eistein set off purposely? But he is seen as the father of science and she is seen as a criminal?" Several people correct her, myself included. She writes back "go look it up and get back to me... Im probably about 40 years younger than you and more educated and thats sad." So I ask "Your physics degree is from what university?" And she says... "you judge someone's education by the degrees they hold? Lol figures... Pathetic".

????????? WTF? Yeah, bitch, that's exactly how I judge someone's education: by how much education they got. No wonder you're failing engineering as described in your twits. I'm surprised they even let you in.

"Depending on the context, a single letter may take as many as 25 shapes." Right. Ok. So I'm not imagining the difficulty of learning to read Urdu.

Me: Google.

Google: Yes, Dave?

Me: Urdu alphabet chart.

Google: Arabic alphabet chart.

Me: URDU alphabet chart.

Google: Arabic alphabet chart.

Me: URDU!!! URDU alphabet chart, you machine!

Google: . . . . . . . ? ? Hebrew alphabet?


Scumbag Google. :(

I never used to unfriend people because I disagreed with their opinions. But now I do. Apparently, I'm quite capable of changing my mind.

I need a coffee to keep me awake until bedtime.

Done typing my reading notes; better give myself a reinforcer. Urdu Alphabet Jingle! Yay!

There is no such thing as a "metric ton." The metric system has tonnes, not tons.

I'm having such a bad day. Better watch the Urdu alphabet jingle to cheer me up.

I wish I had a butler so he could iron my newspaper.