Me: Winnipeg Transit.

Winnipeg Transit: Yes, Dave.

Me: How do I get to the fireworks?

Winnipeg Transit: Seriously? Just walk. It will be faster.

Scumbag trip planner.

I'd take another year with a dying dog over a year with no dog any day. As brutal as her illness was, it was still better than not having her at all.

Sudden realization that there are fireworks scheduled for today. Thank God Winnipeg has that Mennonite farmer ethic and schedules New Year's fireworks at 8 pm.

I made a World Cup 2015 calendar to keep track of all the matches in different timezones. The only downside is that I don't have any friends obsessive enough to share it with. Non-obsessive people make me sad.

Atif: Cricket Worldcup 2015 na?

Me: Of course Cricket World Cup. Unless Misbah is in some other World Cup in 2015.

My run of good luck continues this morning with the power bill. Yes, they billed me $142 for one month by estimating that I probably spent six times as much power this month, which was warm, as last month. But this is Manitoba Hydro, not Bell Mobility, so they fixed it by agreeing not to take THEIR preauthorized debit until they get the actual meter reading from my landlord next month.

H time: wake up. All is well.

H+1: all is well.

H+2: all is well.

H+3: looking at my bank account for no particular reason, I notice that the phone company took their preauthorized payment three days early for the second time in three months, thus causing it to bounce and costing me $45 for the second time in three months.

H+3.1: phone the phone company. Their plan to make things better is: nothing. Assholes. So I cancelled the preauthorized payment plan. Still out $45 though. I guess I'll just withhold it from their bill.

H+4.3: time to leave for work. I walk out, put my key in the door to lock it, realize I didn't take my medication. Dang.

H+4.32: ok, leaving a second time.

H+4.36: walking towards the bus stop, realize my wallet is not in my pocket. Probably on my desk at home. Damn.

H+4.4: yep, it's on my desk. K, now I'm going to miss the regular bus, I guess I'll have to go to the other bus stop in the opposite direction and catch the other bus that has a two-minute connection to the 86.

H+4.55: I arrive at the bus stop and check the time. Turns out I could have made the normal bus stop with two minutes to spare and caught the regular bus. Now I have to wait 15 minutes and it's -21 C. Fuck. I decide to walk to the next stop to kill time.

H+4.7: arrive at the next bus stop, text transit, bus is still on schedule. I wait.

H+4.8: Bus should be here now, but it's not.

Two minutes later: still not.

Two more minutes later: still not. Ok, now I'm missing the 86 to work. Decision time.

1) Take the next bus, arrive 45 minutes late. Cost: $7.
2) Take a cab, arrive essentially on time. Cost: $20.
3) Go home and stay there. Cost: $78.

The choice was painfully obviously. On the other hand, I was cold and pissed off, and I had been wishing I could miss work this week anyway. So I went home. $123 gone from my budget in less than two hours.

And yet, I can't help thinking that being out $78 is less stressful to me than my not showing is to Tweedledumb. I can always eat less; he can't very well think more.

Ok, peeps, we're going to try something more aligned with my laziness. Try the NEW One day I said at evilsquirrel.wordpress.com. It's going to pick up my Facebook feed automatically instead of me having to update manually, so you'll know everything in real time. Or something.

Ah crap. I missed a month again. Time just goes by way too fast.

Che gli dei chi lor somiglia.
Che gli dei chi lor somiglia.
Che gli dei chi lor somiglia.
Che gli dei chi lor somiglia.
Che gli dei chi lor somiglia.
Che gli dei chi lor somiglia.
Che gli dei chi lor somiglia.
His name was Robert Paulson.
Che gli dei chi lor somiglia.
Che gli dei chi lor somiglia.
Che gli dei chi lor somiglia.
Che gli dei chi lor somiglia.

Imran Khan announces new theme song for his pep rally: "Send in the Clowns."

You may be spending too much time in opera rehearsals when your new favourite swear is "deh conservate oh dei."

K. If I'm not mistaken, it's now my day off, I'm awake, I don't have to go anywhere... and there is NO cricket on TV. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGH why me, Lord?

Quite fun to watch the tide turn against Imran on his own Facebook page. You overplayed your hand, old man.

After today's outdoor rehearsal in the sun, everyone is sunburned except me. Because I was wearing long sleeves, long pants, and a hat. And I was thinking to myself "you know, if y'all had worn hijab or thobe, you wouldn't have this problem."

At every rehearsal, my voice teacher (who plays Servilia) comes to me with a look of concern and asks me how I'm feeling and if I have everything and know what I have to do blah blah etc whatever. But when I told her some of the problems I was having with the music... she just brushed it off. WTF????? Look here, little girl. I have no feelings. I'm not nervous. I don't get stage fright. And I'm more organized than all you artists put together. But I do have trouble with the music because YOU made me sing alto. You put me in this position and you're not even gonna help me, so never mind. I'll do it myself. I've been carrying the alto section from day one and I'll be just fine. Go patronize you OTHER student, the one you put in the sopranos who hasn't sung a note yet

In case anyone else is looking for non-Zionist toilet paper, the only brand at Safeway is Royale. It's Canadian-owned. (I considered buying the Zionist kind for the metaphor, but they wouldn't care.)

Yo Imran, I have a message for you too. I'm a citizen of TWO stable democracies and I want to tell you that YOU are the problem. Democracy depends on one thing: the loser's willingness to admit defeat and be a good opposition until the next election. You've marched a bunch of disgruntled rowdies into the capital with the intention of overthrowing an elected government and having yourself installed instead. Best case scenario, they disperse peacefully and you've only cost the country a fortune in security at a time when they really needed to focus on the pre-existing security problems. If this turns nasty I hope you face criminal charges for inciting. You crazy egomaniac.

The good news is, opera rehearsal let out early again. The bad news is, the acoustics in the performance space are confusing my ear. Sigh.

Screw it, I'm drinking coffee at opera rehearsal.

Checking cricket scores at work earlier this week.

Me, to Sikh coworker: Sri Lanka 281 for 8.

Sikh coworker: What?

Me: Sri Lanka 281 for 8.

Sikh coworker: Who are they playing?

Me: Pakistan.

Sikh coworker: Ah.

Me: You don't follow cricket?

Sikh coworker: I followed cricket but only until Sachin retired.

Me: Sachin who?

=====
LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

And now the dog has diarrhea. Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

Well the dog woke me four times in nine hours. I suppose that's as close to "uninterrupted" as I get. Then I snoozed all five alarms on my phone for 45 minutes. Also I'm out of toilet paper and I have a headache. Fak u, life.

Ah... Home sweet home. I got home from rehearsal and considered skipping work because I was so tired, but that's just not what I do. So I hie me to the bus. I fell asleep on the first bus but woke up in time for my stop. I fell asleep at the bus stop but the sound of the approaching bus woke me up. I fell asleep on the second bus... and rode all the way around and back to where I started. Then there were no more buses toward work so I got on a downtown bus and came home. After falling asleep on the bus, of course. Well, fuck. I'll try to go in to work tomorrow instead. For now, I get nine hours of sleep. And it better be UNINTERRUPTED sleep. Dog, I'm looking at you. Do whatever you want tonight but do NOT wake me up. Kthxbai.

Opera rehearsals, day 12 of 19. Tried to make toast, forgot to put bread in toaster. Help me, Lord.

A lot of people become despots when given power. Only Imran becomes a despot without even getting into power first.

The only thing better than 4.5 hours of sleep is 4.5 hours lying in bed of which 2 with insomnia. FML.

So I check my email before going to have a shower and off to bed... and there is an email from the conductor saying "be off book by Saturday". AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!! You ugly mofo, I only have five hours of sleep between now and Saturday rehearsal as it is, why couldn't you tell us this on Tuesday? Oh yeah, cause you're an artiste and you don't plan ahead. I crie

I'm awake. AGAIN. This would be a good day for people to stay the fuck out of my way.

I'm such a good cook, I just screwed up making a cup of microwave mac and cheese. Ouch... my ego. And I just realized, too, it's a Zionist microwave mac and cheese cup. Some days you just can't win.

Me: Google.

Google: Yes, Dave.

Me: When did hominins speciate from apes?

Google: Where does pubic lice come from?


Hmmmmmmmm... Listen, Google. Around here *I* ask the questions.

“Failing organizations are usually over-managed and under-led.” - Warren Bennis (who clearly must have worked at Home Depot before)

I set five alarms on my phone and slept ten hours. And still slept in. I'm tired.

That smug feeling when the bus drives past a gas station and gas is up 8 cents from yesterday.

Home Depot turns out to be a surprisingly good place to practice your opera part. It's noisy, you're running around in all directions, you don't have time to focus on the music, and orders change with alarming frequency. The only downside is having to sing sotto voce.

I need a nap. It's still called a nap if it's over 16 hours, right?

Well, I hope the extra hour and a half practice makes up for the hour and a half of sleep I didn't get... I now have less than four hours to sleep, then four-hour rehearsal, then work. It was time, I felt, for an agonizing reappraisal of the whole scene.

The one thing that still always reminds me of Hay River is...

...

...

...

the sound of a pile driver. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRGHHHHHH!

I just want you to know that Gaza is more important than some one-note actor who didn't think having everything was good enough.

Exhausted but never defeated... She is now 85 days past the 90-day average survival time, and just 13 days away from turning 15. Today she wanted to sleep in my bed with me so I never got out of bed all day. Who cares? I can be productive when she's gone. She doesn't seem to suffer at all. It's unbelievable how much indomitable strength there is in this tiny emaciated body.

You know what's more annoying than constant software updates? Software updates that ask to install themselves and then don't. Thank you, Firefox.

Good thing I slept 18 hours when I could, because after that the dog woke me every 45 minutes on average until I tied her to the piano.

Opera director: Your dog is still in the burning house!

Me: Yes!! I've been waiting six months for her to die.

=== Later. ===

Opera director: The president has died!

Me: Harper died? YES!!

=== Later. ===

Opera director: You enter house left.

Me: Ok.

Opera director: Places! (I go house left.) What are you doing here?

Me: You said house left.

Opera director: Oh, sorry, I lied.

Me: So... house right?

Opera director: No no, house left.

Me: So you lied the second time, not the first?

Opera director: Yeah.

All laugh.

Opera director: Do as I say, not as I say.

Me: O... k...

=== Later. ===

Me: What's my mood?

Opera director: You're really, really tired. And sad.


Wow, finally a direction I can relate to! But then I forgot to ask whether it's a cross or a banana.

K. I just spent two hours on 80 seconds of music of which I sing exactly ten (10) notes. Opera's hella hard, yo.

Things you didn't know about opera: the most commonly asked question in an opera rehearsal is "is this a cross or a banana?"

This is the hardest part of the whole opera. If you can't hear my line it's ok, neither can I.

Eight hours work. Two hours off. Five hours opera rehearsal. Three hours off. 18 hours sleep. Two hours opera practice.

Me gusta.

True story: I went to use a computer at work and the previous person had left a Google search open. The question was: "convert cubic inches to square inches."

And...

Since we associates don't have access to Google on our accounts, that means it was a manager.

Pro Desk manager, apart: Argh! She's SO STUPID!

I glance at what she's doing and see she has a list of instructions from the new ASM (who's been here for weeks and no one even knows her name cause she can't be bothered to speak to people).

Me: You know what else, too? The new guy makes me really, really tired.

Pro Desk manager: Really? What does he do? I mean, other than NOTHING.

Me: That's pretty much it.

=====
We're just all brimming with respect for each other, in accordance with company policy.

Friday night at work: 100% attendance. Rest of the week: 65% attendance. True story.

Look, Winnipeg. It's one thing to pretend you have cold weather. Maybe you think it makes you look badass when you complain about -26 C. But really, the mosquitoes? What do you gain by lying about the mosquitoes? You don't have mosquitoes, Winnipeg. You don't even know what a mosquito is. Your mosquitoes are like your winters, wimpy and harmless. Shut up or I'll give you something real to cry about.

My day suddenly got much more exciting when I found 400 eentsy weentsy explosive charges spilled in one of my skids of freight.

In other news, the only decent manager at my store is quitting. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!!!!! Woe is me. When I found out the rude guy on my team was looking at me and he was like "you look like you're in shock." And I was. One theory is that he got a public ass-chewing from one of the others and had enough of it. Another theory is that he was in way over his head. (I don't see what that has to do with anything, ALL our managers are in way over their heads.) I talked to him briefly as he was ending his shift and his theory is that he got a more interesting offer with better hours somewhere else.

Boohoohoo I'm so sad.

Later that day, I discovered that a headache doesn't have to be EITHER dehydration OR caffeine withdrawal. Ai crie.

Sometimes you can't really tell the difference between a dehydration headache and caffeine withdrawal headache.

"There are four ways, and only four ways, in which we have contact with the world. We are evaluated and classified by these four contacts: what we do, how we look, what we say, and how we say it." - Dale Carnegie (really?)

I woke up and found that the dog had climbed on the bed all by herself and made herself comfortable in the spot she used to pick years ago when we had a double bed and she was well enough to jump up and down. I miss those days.

Karen: Awwww. Glad she was able to do it last night

Me: I put my mattress on the floor since we moved into the apartment, that way she can climb down without hurting herself (even though she still falls) and she can climb up, but she had only done it so far when she's agitated. It's the first time that she just climbed up quietly and made herself comfortable.

Karen: Ah, great! She must have felt relatively well last night then

Me: I hope so. She was really poorly on the weekend.

You know you're cheap when you walk into a thrift store you haven't been before and you're shocked to see pants priced as high as $10.

Karen: Agree, that is way too expensive!

Édith: I agree too!

Me: Oh, so it's not just me? I expect to pay about $2 for pants. $5 if they're designer pants like my Ralph Lauren jeans.

Love is when the dog wants to sleep in your bed because she has diarrhea and feels miserable... and you actually let her.

I wonder if anyone is keeping a catalog of all known archaeological sites. Cause that would be remarkably handy.

Am I the only one who looks in the closet Sunday morning and thinks "dang, I got nothing in liturgical colour"?

Catholic friend: Yes.

Anglican friend: The only people I know who come close would not think "dang", they would want to know what had happened to their stuff in the right colour.

Me: Well all my green shirts are dirty.

For you shall go out in joy, and be led back in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall burst into song, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. (Isaiah 55:10-11)

Budgeted hours for our department this week: 500.

Hours we actually scheduled: 593.

Hours people actually showed up for: about 520, I think.

Number of trailers we should have done: 56, give or take.

Number of trailers we actually did... I don't think we even count anymore. I'm not sure we're even averaging one a night. I wonder at what point someone will think there is something wrong with this.

This morning when the day shift came in, the Hardware guy to whom I hand off said "wow, you look tired. I mean, you don't usually look THIS tired." Which is passing odd considering that this may have been the least work I've ever done in a week at Home Depot.

The bus full of annoying people took a wrong turn. Now all the annoying people are stuck on the bus together. Ew.

The Friday night bus is always full of creepy annoying people who aren't there during the week.

There. I created an Urdu verb tense matrix. Would it really have been too much to ask for my grammar book to have one?

One of the present tenses is a past and one is a future. Ai crie evry tiem.

Wow. Our store is 116th out of 180 for safety claims. Hard to imagine what the other 64 are doing even worse than us.

Under "participle" in the index we have: perfective, imperfective, conjunctive and Arabic. Great googly-moogly.

Urdu is so opposite English that instead of "X because Y" it says "because Y, X". It's like you have to forget everything you thought you knew about sentences.

My boss's boss, shouting across the floor during the weekly scan: OUR PACKDOWN NUMBERS AREN'T LOOKING GOOD!!

Hardware DS: What?

Boss's boss: 108. (Ed.: the lower, the better. Target is 150.)

Hardware DS: So... that's good?

Boss's boss: NO!!!! THEY'LL TAKE ONE LOOK AT IT AND KNOW WE'RE SCREWING WITH IT! FIND MORE!

======
Hmmmmm.... What exactly makes you think they WON'T know?

"These pretzels are making me thirsty."

Adam: These pretzels are making me THIRSTY!!!!!

Me: These pretzels.......... ARE MAKING ME THIRSTY!!!!

I'm cold outside the bus. I get on the bus. I open the bus window. I'm cold inside the bus. Scumbag Braaaaaaain!!!

Strange but true: I'm cold. Maybe I'm actually sick and not just tired.

This week I haven't heard any "just like a little fox" comments. Or husky comments, or even Doge comments. Instead people look at my dog and say "is she ok?"

Something tells me that's not entirely a good sign.

Nothing shuts up a chatty Muslim like Iftar.

After seven weeks in this building, I can make no sense whatsoever of the patterns of traffic. Why, exactly, does everyone here stay out till after midnight on Sunday, but stay home on Saturday??

"and he connected the bones with dexterity. The second prepared the flesh, blood and hide. The third stepped forward in order to put life in the tiger. The illiterate one stopped him and said, 'O fool, this is a tiger.'"

Um.... Why is this in my Urdu grammar book?

You know your dog is looking rough when random people on the street ask if she's ok.

4th Sunday after Pentecost. I was reading again today due to the dearth of readers in summer. And, admittedly, because I'm popular as a reader. So, today I was reading, from Zechariah, "Rejoice greatly O daughter of Jerusalem", and from Romans, one of Paul's more left-handed flights of convoluted logic. I thought Zechariah would be easy because I can read it the way I would sing it, but Paul is, well, Paul. Frankly while practicing I was tempted to go off into a Holy Handgrenade of Antioch moment. Then I did the readings and... I got compliments on Paul, not on Zechariah. And then my pastor said to me "thank you for being so respectful of the readings and preparing so well!" Um... Right... "Respectful." Exactly the very word to describe my reading of Paul.

Everyone is all "France v. Germany". Wow, I didn't think they even played cricket.

Little known fact: today at The Home Depot, we have Dewalt 18 V NiCad drills priced at... $27.96. Yes, that's right. Three of us checked and they are, indeed, priced at $27.96. Yes, it's an older, heavier style, not the latest trend. But it's a Dewalt drill. For $27.96. I'm not saying YOUR local Home Depot has it, but mine does. So if you need a drill, do a harried freight associate somewhere a favour and go pick up a top brand for $27.96. Kthxbai.

A non-boss night! MashaAllah!

My hobby on the bus: try to guess what languages I'm hearing without looking at the speaker. It's harder than it sounds.

Tips for ecumenical rapprochement: you can end just about any theological debate peacefully by saying "Allah knows best."

Me, listening to Tariq recite in Arabic. When suddenly... The Brain translated three words in a row.

Me: Brain, I'd like to remind you that you don't know Arabic.

The Brain: I am a trafficker of information. I know everything I can. The question is, do YOU know.

Me: Brain, be quiet.

The Brain: Can we get an Arabic podcast for work?

Me: No.

The Brain: Why not?

Me: Because I said.

The Brain: Nazi.

Paying rent on time without a fight. Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

Guy having words with his baby mama: "you made me look dumb in front of my PO!" Hmmmm... it's funny, but almost poignant too.

A teacher in California has a one in 125,000 chance each year of being sacked for incompetence. They envy Home Depot managers.

Come, let us sing to the Lord;
let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation!
Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving;
let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise!
For the Lord is a great God,
and a great King above all gods.
In his hand are the depths of the earth;
the heights of the mountains are his also.
The sea is his, for he made it,
and the dry land, which his hands have formed.
Come, let us worship and bow down,
let us kneel before the Lord, our Maker!
For he is our God,
and we are the people of his pasture,
and the sheep of his hand.
O that today you would listen to his voice!

I've never understood why people celebrate the anniversary of Confederation by behaving like animals.

"Prayer is better than sleep." Said no Christian ever at 3:37.

Today at work... I'm not sure we're even doing any work, actually. Freight wasn't really mentioned. I have none. The whatever-Balkan-country dude in Paints is working a 5000-lb skid by moving four paint cans at a time in a shopping cart. I haven't even seen the machines around the floor.

Maybe everybody realised we're so fucked we might as well not bother.

Maybe since I'm not fasting I'll spend Ramadan making a list of all the times I'm doing something I couldn't do if I was fasting. Then I'll know what I'd be not-doing if I wasn't doing it.

1. coffee
2. water
3. food
4. venlafaxine
5. allergy meds
6. cocaine-free throat spray
7. more water for singing

And that's just in the last hour.

Me, talking about Ramadan with a Muslim friend: So if you're fasting for Ramadan and then you go to church, how would you have communion?

Him: What's communion?

Me: It's a commemoration of Jesus's (PBUH) last meal with his followers. We share bread and wine.

Him: The Prophet Jesus (PBUH) had wine? No offence but I don't believe that.

=====
Once again ecumenism stumbles on the details.

Me, the day before Ramadan: I wonder how hard it really is. I should try it sometime. When it falls in winter and not 17 hours of daylight a day.

Me, the first day of Ramadan, with a cup of coffee: LOL Thank God I'm a Lutheran.

Tous les souvenirs de naguère
O mes amis partis en guerre
Jaillissent vers le firmament
Et vos regards en l'eau dormant
Meurent mélancoliquement
Où sont-ils Braque et Max Jacob
Derain aux yeux gris comme l'aube
Où sont Raynal Billy Dalize
Dont les noms se mélancolisent
Comme des pas dans une église
Où est Cremnitz qui s'engagea
Peut-être sont-ils morts déjà
De souvenirs mon âme est pleine
Le jet d'eau pleure sur ma peine
Ceux qui sont partis à la guerre au nord se battent maintenant
Jardins où saigne abondamment le laurier rose fleur guerrière
Le soir tombe ô sanglante mer

- Apollinaire

I'm not sure whether the cable company misunderstood our payment deal or I did, but somehow my interwebs is back on. I thought it was going to be off until July 11.

Mueed: Thankfully it isn't.

Me: Maybe they'll disconnect it again when they figure out the mistake.

Mueed: Why do u want to do this comrade?

Me: I'm not complaining. But I thought they had agreed to keep the physical cable connected until the 11th with no service provided I made a partial payment today, and then put the service back on when I pay the bill in full. But I made the partial payment and now the service is back.

Mueed: They just care for us (pakistanis), cuz so many ppl would be wanting to tlak to u when its morning there.

Me: LOL Yeah I'm sure my internet got reconnected as a special favour to the people of Pakistan. MashaAllah.

Me: I wonder if some cricket scheduled itself by mistake, too. That would be nice.

Mueed: Yeah thanks to ur cable boys. do convey my wishes to them. Yeah how would it sound if we are hsoting a series against Sri Lanka And India this month and that too in Karachi and Lahore

Me: Host one in Jacobabad. They'll never be able to play in your weather.

Mueed: hahaha i do not want em to die useless We do not have any International Standards Stadium here in Jacobabad. But had the opportunity to witness good games in Karachi.

Me: Make do. See how the ball bounces in the sand.

Mueed: hahaha. M pretty sure they wont be able to hit even sixes or fours. Just like Abu Dhabi's Cricket Stadium.

Me: Good. Tuk-tuk all the way.

Mueed: M sure u not pointing at Misbha. Aren't you ?

Me: Misbah rocks. If I got to play cricket I'd try to play exactly like him.

Mueed: Then I am pretty sure you would be captain of our Test Team. Well i personally acknowledge and admire Misbah a lot. He has really been an inspiration to so many people who cannot play game with ease and technique. (Editor: I totally missed that dig at Misbah the first time I read it. Mueed you snake!!)

Me: I couldn't be captain of your test team because your women's cricket team rocks.

Once you start to chat with the coworkers, you realize that even the ones you thought were ass-kissers have the same things to say about our boss.

I was lying in bed looking at the dog sleeping like a stone and I thought, when she dies I'm going to be one of those crazy people who hold on to the decaying corpse of a loved one for months because they can't cope with the loss. And then I thought, what if I already am? What if she's been dead for weeks already? How would you know the difference? And if the dog is dead then who's been pissing all over my floor????

Sometimes you tell yourself "at least God loves me" and you feel better. But then you remember that God also loves George W. Bush and you're like "I guess I'll just read Jeremiah then."

Having no interwebs at home is all fun and games until you have insomnia and no way to kill time unproductively.

Unless I'm very much mistaken, my boss and his boss are contriving to hide from me that they're cheating on the weekly scan (a key metric in their performance evaluation). With normal people it would be a form of compliment, but they did such a shit job of it it's almost an insult. You'd think they don't realize I'm smarter than them.

I met a Syrian Kurd on the street yesterday. She has been in Canada about a year and had questions about the cankerworms. Her English was limited so I drew pictures to explain it. And then she asked why the government doesn't do something about it.

Wait...

No, like, wait.

Let me get this straight.

You just came from three years of civil war in Syria, and you're aggravated that the government doesn't do enough about... cankerworms???

Wow. Our Canadian sense of entitlement catches on quickly, eh? Welcome to Canada, sister. You're gonna do just fine here.

I think The Home Depot should hire Misbah as our store manager. Only he can fix this clusterfuck, and I'm pretty sure we can beat what PCB pays him monthly.

Today at work... frankly I'm not sure we did any trailers, there was almost no garbage. But the important thing is, our boss told one guy to "shut up and do your work"... and there was a witness. Oh. Yeah.

I'm a bit looking forward to India v. England. It's not that unusual that you want both sides to lose, a lot more so when that seems like the most plausible result.

Tariq: hahahaha England will lose lol

Me: Either that or India. The only downside is one of the two will win.

My boss spent lunch discussing how to pay for his kids "when" they go to college. Don't worry dude, IF they get into college they're not your kids.

Lunch. Freight on the floor so far:

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

None.

If our boss wasn't an ugly douchebag with no brain we'd be like the Bangladesh of warehousing.

Q: What's the difference between England and a tea bag?

British friend: haha... ok. What's the difference between England and a tea bag?

Me: A tea bag lasts a heck of a lot longer in a cup.

British friend: Ouch... true.

Today the propaganda line is that we're "caught up on freight" from the weekend. Of course those of us who know how to read can see that we have freight due over a week ago that hasn't been allowed to come in, but, you know. You just can't argue with stupid. The plan for today is: 230 skids. That's approximately seven (7) trailers. HAHAHAHAHA as if. Initially I predicted we'd do one, but it's coffee and no freight has been brought to the floor so far. So I think one trailer is way too ambitious for today. Maybe between today and tomorrow we can unload one.

Today... the dog... pissed outside THREE times. And none inside as far as I can tell, in the last 12 hours. All you have to do is watch her every second and then you can tell when she wants out. (I lie. She actually tapped me on the shoulder while I slept. I mean literally tapped me on the shoulder with her evil little paw.) Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

The dog's balance is so bad, she can actually fall while lying down. And I'm not even joking.

We've been in this apartment five weeks and the top layer of laminate is already starting to peel off in the dog's favourite spot. How much money is this whole thing going to cost me???? (On a positive note, if she finally picks a spot to go habitually instead of all over the apartment, it could actually be worth it to buy pads.)

Along the pavement
I step on the cankerworms
They scream as they die.

- Winnipeg spring haiku

Mueed: Do they make sound?

Me: I'm sure they have some way of communicating to each other when they're being crushed to death.

Mueed: EEEwwwwww... Only they would be cursing us m sure.

Me: Well then good thing I'm crushing them to death. No one likes a worm that curses.

Mueed: hahahahaha... one for me please.

Hehehe. I can see cricket scores from church.

Tariq: You should pay attention in prayer lol

Me: It wasn't during prayer. It was during the part called "children's message" which is boring.

Tariq: Ok thats good

Me: The service was good today actually. We're in "ordinary time" now which strangely, in this church, is better than the non-ordinary time.

Tariq: Masha Allah good

One of the perks of having an adorable and incredibly suspicious newborn nephew is... all my stalkers are wondering if he's mine. BOOYA!

Hominoids, hominids, hominines, hominins, hominans, Homo sapiens. Totally NOT confusing.

Oops. I dinged that paint job they just finished on Thursday. (Well, "finished" is kinda debatable... I could have sworn they were supposed to do the trim, too.)

Chatting online with a Muslim friend in Pakistan, late at night.

Me: I think I missed fajr.

Him: Why would you offer fajr?

Hmmmmm... at first I was going to make a logical argument FOR it, but when I realized that fajr is at 3:34 am today, I decided he was right. We Lutherans don't get up that early.

To use or not to use "thusly". Questions I ask at 4:40 am on Saturday night.

Mmmmmm... "Theretofore". One of my favourite words.

A simple warehousing problem.

Supplier S sends us its products in a shipping package that is 30" x 30" x 20" and varies in weight from 425 lbs to 575 lbs. I have to overstock it using GMA pallets on racking that is rated for 6000 lbs. Company rules limit store-made pallets to 4' tall. (Nobody follows that rule.)

Question: will my pallet cube out or weight out, and if the latter, at what height?

Like I always say, if you don't use math at work, I don't think you're doing any work.

Computer: Elise?

Me: Yes, Dave.

Computer: Firefox update available.

Me: I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.

======
BAAHAHA! Two can play this game, computer!

Shift # dear-God-how-many-shifts-does-this-week have. Today we did...

Wait, let's get more suspense.

Today

we

did

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

one (1) trailer. ONE.

And...

I'm not gonna say freight went back for sure cause I didn't see it with my own eyes, but there were still skids on the floor when the other lift truck driver left.

Nine months ago when we did inventory, we were 8% over plan for inventory. Now we're actually UNDER our target, though I didn't hear how much. And I don't think we're going to fix that by doing less freight every day.

Shift #3: the management in their "wisdom" decided to cancel ALL deliveries on Wednesday (i.e. including the ones that were turned away on Tuesday for lack of doors) because there is an inspection tomorrow (Thursday) and they want the place to look good. (BAAAAHAHAHAHA good luck with that.) But we still have three trailers in the dock (two of them from yesterday) and no door. Some optimist somewhere in the structure decided that we'd empty out all three tonight. Hmmmmmm... I rather doubt that.

Yay, minimum wage is going up to $10.70 in September! Too bad I make more than minimum wage, I could use 2% raise.

Tariq: :(

Me: I got a 1% raise in March. I suppose that's better than a write-up. (Oh wait, I got lots of write-ups in March.)

Tariq: LOL How many in June write up?

Me: None so far but I'm sure they're working on it.

Tariq: hahahaha yeah they do all the time to Elise

Me: I bet if I can get three people to give me awards they'll write me up for asking people for awards.

Tariq: hahahahaha creepy people they are

Me: They're just small little people. With a big big stack of write-up forms.

Just as I predicted, we did NOT empty the three trailers. Our idiot supervisor vetoed the third one. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh...

Shift #3: the management in their "wisdom" decided to cancel ALL deliveries on Wednesday (i.e. including the ones that were turned away on Tuesday for lack of doors) because there is an inspection tomorrow (Thursday) and they want the place to look good. (BAAAAHAHAHAHA good luck with that.) But we still have three trailers in the dock (two of them from yesterday) and no door. Some optimist somewhere in the structure decided that we'd empty out all three tonight. Hmmmmmm... I rather doubt that.

Ok, painters, you need to fuck off now. I want to sleep.

Now the painter is talking to his associate on the phone, giving him a shopping list to pick up from Home Depot, and I know exactly what each product he wants is and where in my store it is. Disturbing.

The painter is here! WTF, I could have sworn he wasn't coming. Anyway he has his wet-dry vac (Ridgid Pro Pack, model WD4522, aisle 14 bay 110, 2 in stock received last night) and he's running it about 8' from HM's head. HM opened her eyes and looked in its general direction for about three seconds and went back to sleep. I can't tell if she's that deaf and blind or just that weak.

At work.

The Newest Guy: Elise, do you know where this product goes?

Me: Aisle 12, bay 78.

Newest Guy: Bay 78??

Me: I only know that because it's a problem bay. And that other stuff you have is for bay 74.

Newest Guy: . . . ?

Me: Bay 74 is also a problem bay.

Newest Guy: Do you know all the bays?

Me: Of course not, I have 122 bays. I only know that bays 1 and 2 are multi-tools, bay 3 jigsaws and recipro saws, bay 4 abrasives, bay 5 sanding, bay 6 power tool batteries, bay 7 circular saw blades, bays 8 and 9 are drill bits, bays 10 and 11 combo kits, bay 12 routers, bays 13 and 14 drills and hammer drills, bay 15 circular hand saws, bay 16 sanders, bay 17 grinders, bay 18 radios, bay 19 also radios and it's a mess, bay 20 is a mess, 21 to 23 are miter saws, 24 is bare tools, 25 and 26 table saws, 27 is the Milwaukee brand tower, 28 to 31 tool bags and tool boxes, 32 is the Kuny tool belts and knee pads, and after that is plumbing and electrical stuff that I don't care about, then -

=====
I had to stop there cause his brain started leaking out of his nose and ears.

Ioana, Mardrey, Nathalie, Tariq, Karen, Shelley and Allen like this.

The painter called and said he'd be here in about an hour. Good. That means I can go to sleep with no fear at all that he'll come over today.

You know you've had a long day when you try to unlock the bus with your keys.

Rhian, Mardrey, Dana, Suvi-Maarit and Nathalie like this.

If I drink coffee, I'll get a headache from dehydration. If I don't drink coffee, I'll get a headache from caffeine withdrawal. The only solution is to let my employer know that I have a dependence problem and I need time off to go into recovery.

Walking around my apartment with my keys in my hand.

The Brain: Let's put the keys down over here!

Me: But Brain, that's not their accustomed spot. We won't be able to find them again.

The Brain: Nonsense! I'll remember where they are.

Me: No, Brain. We should put the keys in their accustomed spot. That's the rule.

The Brain: Trust me, I know what I'm doing. (Brain puts keys down not in their accustomed spot.)

Fifteen minutes later.

Me: Yo Brain, I need to go out, where are the keys?

The Brain: The what now?

Me: The keys. I need my keys to go out.

The Brain: Well they must be in their accustomed spot.

Me: No, remember you put them somewhere else, right?

The Brain: That would be crazy. If the keys are not in their accustomed spot we won't be able to find them again.

Me: Scumbag BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!!!! You'll pay for this!!

At work. The Department Supervisor (DS) from Hardware (i.e. the department I stock night after night) is staying late to take down the merchandising display from the Power Tool Event and replace it with the unsold product from the Fathers' Day Gift Center. (Yes, we're always executing promos and special events. We hate it.)

After a while...

Hardware DS: Gee, these things are heavy! This is physical work!

Me: Pardon?

Hardware DS: All this stuff I have to move... it's heavy.

Me: Do you know who put it there in the first place?

Hardware DS: Er... no?

Me: You do realize that most of your freight goes through my hands, right?

Hardware DS: Oh. Well you're tougher than me.

=====
Yeah, well... DUH!!

Guy on the street: Such dog! Amaze! Wow!

======
I'm starting to think I'm gonna get tired of the Doge comments some day.

When the dog is lying down quietly and I can pet her for a while, I can count her ribs. And her vertebrae. And the bones in her pelvis. My poor precious.

We're starting the week three trailers behind. Some have been in our dock since at least Friday. And mind you we only have three doors. LOLLLLL

The worst part of the dog pissing on your bed isn't dog piss on your bed. It's the two hours you have to sit up and wait for the laundry to be done so you can go back to bed.

(Later.) I lied. I have no problem sleeping without sheets while the laundry is running.

I've been invited to be part of the chorus in a production of La Clemenza di Tito. Ummmmmm... I don't suppose any of youse got the score that you could lend to me?

When you crawl into bed for a well-deserved rest aaaaaaaaaaaand... the dog pissed on it.

Happiness is... blowing off the people who try to colonize your life and getting back to the Neolithic. Or, sadly, the Paleolithic. The more I go forward, the more I'm getting further back in time.

Mueed: Have patience. God will help u get out of such times.

Me: Not sure if you're being funny or you guys just really expect God to spoonfeed you everything.

Mueed: No i am not being funny. What can one do when things arent happening as desired.

Me: Well in the case of my enduring Neolithic / Paleolithic problem, I could take the time to edit my previous research thoroughly until I'm satisfied that I have used the best sources I can find and I can move on to the third millennium without having to go back all the time. I don't think that requires divine intervention.

Perks of roommate-free living, #10: I can give the dog a bath, and that too at 3:00 am. The poor thing has had all of one bath since we've been in Winnipeg... not that she missed the experience but maybe she'll feel more motivated to stay clean if she feels clean and fresh-smelling. (That being said, it's not funny how thin she is when she's wet. She looks like a chihuahua.)

Fun game we play with the newbies at work: look at a huge pile of freight and tell them without even touching the boxes what's in each of them and where it goes. It makes their brains melt.

Yes, my Windows Updates are turned off. Why do you ask?

Her Majesty's health bulletin.

Her Majesty seems fine, more's the pity. She can eat, she can walk for miles, she can talk. And she's a fucking nuisance. For the last three weeks or so she's simply refusing to piss outside. No, it's not that she can't wait. She just won't. She's pissed in the house minutes after coming back from a long walk. No matter how many times a day I mop, I can't even find everywhere she's pissed. The smell in the house is revolting. And naturally she's always right where you're trying to clean.

Also she won't eat Iams anymore. While we were at our friends' house and the week following I fed her only Iams kitten kibble and she ate it. Massive amounts of it, in fact. As soon as I started cooking again, she refused to eat the kibble. She can, but she won't. And I'm not going to waste my time and money feeding her all cooked food when she's perfectly able to eat Iams. But she refuses to eat Iams so she'll let herself starve. When her stomach is empty too long it causes her to throw up stomach acid. But she can't throw up with her throat obstructed, so it makes a really traumatic sound, and because her balance is poor, when her stomach fights to throw up it makes her fall. You'd think a foot-tall dog can only fall so hard but actually she has a way of falling REALLY hard.

Also she steps in her dish. No matter where or in what bowl I put the kibble, she steps in it and spills it everywhere. You can't walk anywhere in the house without stepping in kibble. And it costs money. Likewise she spills her water dish constantly. It looks like she's falling by accident or something, so I move her away from the dish, clean up, refill it, and she comes right back, does the exact same thing and spills it again. And you might think it's accidental except she does not EVER step in her porridge dish. Ever.

Oh yeah, did I mention she drinks obsessively? She always did, but she used to piss outside so it didn't matter. But I can't even ration her water much because she'll drink everything as soon as I leave for work, piss everything, and be dehydrated by morning.

Also she bites.

Also if I try to walk her outside she drags her feet, but she paces around the house non-stop. And of course not in the nice wide-open space where it would be merely annoying, but in all the narrow spaces where it's a real fucking pain. Like spilling her dishes over and over and over. Or getting stuck under the piano. No fucking reason to be under the piano but she's there eight times a day. If I pull her out, she goes right back.

And just to be an unredeemable bitch on all counts, she refuses to sit in her kennel so I can have some fucking peace. After a couple minutes she starts screaming like an angry cat. Not barking or whining like a dog, but literally screaming like an angry cat. She's doing it right now.

I'm pretty sure at one time I couldn't bear the thought of her dying. Now I'd give my left arm for her to just fucking die, and she's nowhere near death and not getting any nearer. Because she just HAS to be an ignorant ornery fucking animal right to the end.

I should move to Argentina and leave her here.

I dreamed I was in jail. I've never been able to figure out what causes that particular dream.

Tariq: you got freedom from the jail in dream or you were still in the jail or you were trying to escape ?

Me: Jail dreams are awesome. You're always watching your back but that's no different from being at work.

Allen: Maybe jail in your dream represents work!

Me: Jail in my dreams is way more awesome than work.

Megan: It represents a feeling of being trapped. By what, only you can say.

Me: You might be right. I'm a' blame the dog.

Dried apricots: ingredients: dried apricots, medium chain triglycerides, sulfur dioxide.

Me: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww!

.

.

.

Omnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnom.

Finally the dog is asleep! Or unconscious. Or dead. After her four-hour rampage, I'm not gonna chance waking her by checking, and frankly any of the above is acceptable at this point.

Wow, two months since I kept this up. Yet again I will try to get on with it... maybe now life is getting a bit more settled and it will happen. Or, maybe not.

English cricket commentary makes you feel like you're on reds.

England 575 for 9. Sri Lanka 212 for 2 so far. Lanka would totally win if this wasn't headed for a draw.

Conversation with coworkers from other departments at shift-change.

Me: My Facebook friend in Pakistan -

Canadian: He speaks English???

I and the Filipina look pointedly at the English-speaking Pakistani, who looks pointedly at the Canadian.

Canadian: Oh, yeah, sorry.

Me: Yeah, my friend speaks Punjabi, Urdu and English. So just three.

Pakistani: Pff. Just three.

Canadian: "just" three?

Me: Jags speaks five.

Canadian: Who's Jags?

Me: The Sikh guy on our team.

Canadian, pointing at a white guy with no turban: Him?

Me: Er... That's not a Sikh.

Pakistani: Yeah, not a Sikh.

Me: The one with the turban. That's a Sikh.

Canadian: Oh, Sikh! I thought you meant sick. The SICK guy on your team.

Pakistani and I: (sigh)

======
Multiculturalism: you're doing it wrong, Canada.

That one day a year when half my Facebook celebrates the end of hockey and I didn't even know it was on... and being single is just a tiny bit more awesome.

Chopin, you asshole... Serves you right you're dead.

And also I'd like to know how a cankerworm got not only into my house but on my piano. You die, bitch.

Let me explain something that some of you are evidently not grasping. How I appear on Facebook is how I want to be seen, like everybody else. If you want to flood Facebook with selfies, that's how you want to be seen. Whatever *I* flood Facebook with is how *I* want to be seen. If you don't like it, it's a safe bet that you don't like ME. If you want changes made to it, you don't like ME. So don't bother telling me if my Facebook participation leaves you somehow disappointed. All you're telling me is "hey, I don't like you, I need you to change to humour me." Don't bother. It won't happen. If you don't like it here, try this: 1) hover your mouse over my name; 2) in the menu that appears, hover over "friends"; and 3) in the second menu that appears, click on "unfriend". That shit works wonders, yo.

How I cook.

1. Let's make milk and toast!
2. Damn, I'm out of milk.
3. Boil water for pasta.
4. Damn, I'm out of pasta. (What can I say, it's the day before pay day.)
5. Is there anything in here that turns into food if I put it in boiling water?
6. Find a bag of cauliflower-broccoli mix in the freezer. Challenge accepted.
7. Boil it.
8. Put cheese on it.
9. Such healthy eating! Amaze. Wow.
10. I meant to do that.

On my second spring in Winnipeg, I finally encounter the dreaded cankerworm. Man, that is one disgusting animal. I mean, one disgusting beloved creature of the Lord.

HM and I encounter five people walking along the street.

One of the five: What breed of dog is that?

Me: A shiba inu.

He, to the other four: HA! It IS a Doge! I told you so!

They: OMG!!! A Doge! That's so awesome! A REAL Doge!

======
I had no idea HM could become EVEN MORE popular.

It would be disrespectful to call my boss a retard. Developmentally delayed people are vastly smarter than him.

My voice teacher returns after being away for three weeks.

Voice teacher: So, what did you work on?

Me: I worked on relaxing my jaw.

Voice teacher: Excellent! Let's sing.

(I sing for half an hour.)

Me: Ok, my jaw is really tired of relaxing now.

Voice teacher: ???

Me: Am I like the only person who finds relaxing really tiring?

Voice teacher: . . . . . . . Yes. You are.

========
Ok. :(

Perks of roommate-free living, #9: new driver's license comes in the mail... doesn't get stolen.

The book I've been needing for my research the last six weeks was in the last box. Not just "the last place I looked" but the final box that could be opened after all the other boxes were open. Scumbag boxes. But the good news is, while opening every single box, I found my "Harper hates me" shirt! Winnipeg, prepare to be propagandized.

Wind tickles my back / oh I could stand here all day / thank you, Winnipeg.

Perks of roommate-free living, #8: my energy bill went from over $200 to... $7.15. Pwnage!

Megan: How is that possible?

Me: Evidently my roommates were energy-wasting cunts, beside all their other qualities.

Megan: That's just an insane drop, even considering it is only part of a month.

Me: Yeah if I use $7 x 2 = $14 per month then the other two idiots were using more than ($200 - $14) / 2 = $93 each which is almost 7 times as much as I did. Which can be explained by frequent use of the oven, air conditioner (often both at once), lights, clothes dryer, heat, air purifier (in the smoker's room - WTF does a smoker care about pure air other than to run another appliance 24/7?), outdoor lights, massive amounts of heat in heating season... Basically all I use are the fridge and my laptop. Lights long enough to have a shower and that's really about it since I'm not even home at night.

The painter came again!!!! Such progress. Amaze. Wow. I should probably have asked him how long the mud needs to dry in the bathroom before I can have a shower.

If I could vote in Pakistan I'd never vote for Imran Khan again.

Ghulam: Why any reason

Me: All he does is criticize. He doesn't need to be elected to do that.

Mueed: He z a looser.

Me: He should just get a TV show. Like a Pakistani Howard Stern.

Mueed: And keep talking. As now no one cares what he says.

Me: I think that's why he's having those big rallies again. Rabble rousing is a lot easier than governing.

Mueed: He had the best chance to show case his strength.and tactics in worst hit part of country with terrorism. He just keeps talkn.

Tariq: thats good , i do never give him vote , (N.Ed.: Tariq is the son of one of Imran Khan's late mother's friends.)

Me: Yeah. He doesn't have a plan, I don't think he understands sociology or economics nearly enough to solve the problems, and I don't think he has the guts either. Just like his cricket captaincy, big talk but he sure drew a lot of matches.

Tariq: The big mouth and blaming is awesome from his side lol

Asad: Nobody deserve for vote in Pakistan. Next time I'll also not vote. I want army govt. (N.Ed.: Asad was a campaign worker for Imran in the 2013 election.)

Tariq: Army doesn't need vote lol, they need our call and they will be here in Islamabad hehehe

Asad: So what they are waiting

Tariq: Good question. They are waiting the moment when will never say again our army is the bad , always they come we welcome them, but on other side we also kick them at the end

Me: Same thing you do to your cricket players.

Tariq likes this.

Anybody want a free dog?

Diana: Aside from the fact that HM probably doesn't tolerate children, it sounds like she and Belle (N.Ed.: Belle is Diana's three-ish year old daughter) have much in common.

Me: Why? Does Belle piss on everything and give you the time of day only when she wants something?

Ahmad: hahaha i dont want

Me: Yeah I don't want her either. She's just intolerable.

Ahmad: hehehe

Shelley: Your dog sounds like it's been taking advice from a cat

Me: I'm pretty sure cats take advice from her. I think she consults for the devil, too.

Shelley: Maybe she's the in between for the cats and the devil

Me: They're all her minions. Everyone here is just her minion. I'm just the lucky minion who gets to mop up five times a day.

I'm not boycotting the FIFA world cup. I just give zero fucks about soccer.

I'm hungry. Let's get a taco.

Me: Yo dog, want some porridge?

Dog: Omnomnomnomnomnomnomnom MORE.

Me: Can you say "please sir, I want some more?"

Dog: Dafuq did you say?

Me: Say "please sir, I want some more."

Dog: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE.

Me: Fak u, dog.

Gas is up to 132.9 today. I remember then I had my Camaro I used to think 47.9 was outrageous.

Suddenly I come down with a violent case of orange disease.

And while I was typing this witty status, after walking the dog every two fucking hours all fucking day... she pissed on the floor again. Fuck. My. Life.

Words that totally bore me: inspire; dream; democracy.

I walked the dog three times today, she didn't pee. She hasn't peed outside in days, literally. We go back inside and I do all the floors. That she's obviously pissing on since she won't go outside. The cleaner smells of ammonia. An hour later the smell of ammonia subsides. So... the dog pisses a gallon of water at the highest point of the floor so it runs over half the living room. Fuck you, you ignorant animal, I'm sick and tired of your manipulative bullshit.

Me: Ah... What a lovely day. I think I shall study Urdu. Computer.

Computer: Yes, Dave.

Me: Dawn Urdu.

Dawn Urdu: کراچی ایئر پورٹ

Me: Hmmm... Dawn Urdu, Sports?

Dawn Urdu Sports: کراچی ایئر پورٹ

Me: BBC Urdu?

BBC Urdu: کراچی ایئر پورٹ

Me: Can I have any OTHER news?

All the news sites: کراچی ایئر پورٹ

=====
Well. I guess I'm studying کراچی ایئر پورٹ then.

I slept 10 hours Thursday, 9 hours Friday, 7 hours Saturday, 9 hours Saturday overnight, and another 3 hours after church. Jealous?

At church after my reading:

Brother 1: Peace be with you, you read really well.

Brother 2: Peace be with you, nice reading.

Sister 1: Peace be with you, you did a great job.

Brother 3: Peace be with you, good job with all the names there.

Sister 2: Peace be with you, I understood every word!

Pastor: Peace be with you, the secretary must really trust you to have given you that reading with all the names.

=====
Yep. Not everyone can say "Parthians, Medes, Elamites, and residents of Mesopotamia, Judea and Cappadocia, Pontus and Asia, Phrygia and Pamphylia, Egypt and the parts of Libya belonging to Cyrene, and visitors from Rome, both Jews and proselytes, Cretans and Arabs" without stumbling.

I haven't studied since I moved in here. I think I've forgotten how.

Reading at church: the only time in life when you try to pronounce a semi-colon.

166 hours a week my dog won't give me the time of day... and the two hours that it takes to make a batch of dog food she's like my shadow. Scumbag dog.

Let's all play weather oneupmanship! Everyone post in comments where you are and what the temperature is. Highest temperature wins... everyone's sympathy.

Me: Winnipeg, 19 C. With a lovely breeze, too. Mmmmm... Breeze...

Susan: 61f no clue what it is c but that's on the cooler side for late spring

Me: That's 16 C. Nice.

Karen: Burlington Vermont , 24 C

Me: You're in the lead... until Pakistan wakes up and we get the 50+ numbers.

Vicki: Venice, Fl 90 degrees

Me: That's 32 C. I'm too hot already.

Karen: Ok, Vicki wins for now

Vicki: LOL

Me: I was gonna say Vicki is an over-achiever but so are you and Susan. I'm just lazy.

Diana: In Vancouver, I don't know what the temp is but it's perfect for running through a sprinkler.

Vicki: I knew I was hot stuff! LOL

Me: Vancouver: 22 C. Vicki you're a hot mama.

Rankings so far: Vicki (Florida, 32), Karen (Vermont, 24), Diana (Vancouver, 22), Elise (Winnipeg, 19), Susan (Colorado, 16). My money's on Mueed to win this.

Megan: Yellowknife: 12.

Theresa: Phoenix Arizona. 104 today and we're glad it's cooler than it's been last few days!

Jane: Tennessee. 90 F today. Horrible thunderstorms now. Gotten well over 10 inches of rain since Thursday.

Me: Theresa takes the lead with 40 C! This is fun. Jane I hope you don't get flooded.

Asad: Lahore 45 c at 09:36 am.

Tariq: Murree 25 lol

Mueed: We are on bit cooler side today. Its just 46 C here in Jacobabad, Pakistan. We had 51 C yesterday. I won even then a bit cooler than yesterday

Me: Final tally:

Mueed (Jacobabad, 46)
Asad (Lahore, 45)
Theresa (Phoenix, 40)
Vicki (Florida, 32) and Jane (Tennessee, 32)
Tariq (Murree, 25)
Karen (Vermont, 24)
Diana (Vancouver, 22)
Elise (Winnipeg, 19)
Susan (Colorado, 16)
Megan (Yellowknife, 12)

Intoxicated person on street: Excuse me, are you sober?

Me: Er... yeah.

Intoxicated person: Can you write a text for me?

Me: Sure.

Intoxicated person, handing me her phone: Can you write "let's party now, nephew".

Me: Ok. (typing) There you go.

Intoxicated person: Thanks. (staggers off)

====
Wow. I'm so glad my massive literacy skills could be put to use for the relief of suffering humanity.

My nephew Jack is rocking memes already at the age of one day.

Percentage of people who miss work on Friday when our supervisor is working: 40.

Percentage of people who miss work on Friday when our supervisor is NOT working: 0.

Y u so stupid, management?

When you've been working for so long you start to realize you missed coffee... so you check the time and it's only been 45 minutes. <sob>

Hexagonaria is the state fossil of Michigan. Making Michigan the only place I've ever heard of that has a state fossil.

First I noticed our department is adding about 10 shifts a week. Then I noticed no other department is adding any. We're good like that.

Me teaching a future Canadian the basics:

1) Don't eat yellow snow.
2) Minimum wage is $10.45 in Manitoba.
3) Here is a selection of Newfie jokes.

Did I miss anything?

First of all, I'm in favour of mankading because it's fun to watch and adds surprise and excitement to the game. Second, England should have known Sri Lanka would go there because they play like tax accountants: take every loophole and little-used law, appeal every decision, and if it doesn't go against you some of the time you're not trying hard enough. And third, if the batsman doesn't like it he can bloody well stay in his crease next time.

We should put a Nilometer on the steps of the Legislature so we can watch the river level drop. Assuming it ever does.

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who recognize HM as a shiba inu, and those who guess the wrong species altogether. Then there is the guy who said "like that dog on the internet!" Thank you, Doge, for sparing me another "just like a little fox" comment.

A sister at church: Next Sunday is Pentecost, we should all wear red.

Me: Oh yeah. And I'm reading, so I should definitely wear red.

Sister: YOU're reading for Pentecost? Excellent! You can read in tongues.

Me: Ji haan. ¿Por qué no?

Despite my grousing about the rent, I have to admit I really enjoyed being able to pay my rent, my whole rent, and nothing but MY rent, on time, without having to extort it from some non-working slime in my house.

Nathalie, Tariq, Mardrey, Dana, Megan, Ahmad, Deirdre and Jane like this.

In other news, the painter came and patched the walls. Yay! With any luck he should be able to complete the work within six to eight weeks.

Today on Facebook's targeted ads for me: the Home Insemination Program! Where apparently I can "achieve pregnancy in the comfort of my own home." Hmmmmmmmm... Maybe I'm just not gonna comment.

(N.Ed.: following this post I had to explain to some Pakistani friends the concept of a sperm bank. It was NOT a big hit.)

That feeling when rent is the day after payday and you don't even get to see your hard-earned money.

When I wake up at 7:00 AM on my day off: FML WHY AM I UP SO EARLY?????

When I wake up at 11:00 AM on my day off: FML WHY DID I SLEEP SO LATE?????

Sigh.

I got tired of the expense and aggravation of cooking rice for my dog every week, so I decided to make a batch with oatmeal instead and see if she'd take to it. So I'm mixing a pound of ground beef into a vat of cooked oats and I thought, you know, the surrealism crept into my life so gradually that I never even noticed when putting hamburger in my porridge became the most rational next step.

Too tired to do anything. Too bored of resting to go back to sleep. Sigh.

I'm so tired I don't even care what's on the Internet.

Not sure if all people are rude... or I happen to hate normal social behaviour.

Me at work, putting away overstocks. I need to write the quantity on them. Hmmmm... 3 boxes deep x 6 boxes wide x 12 per box = 18 x 12 = I don't feel like calculating that. Think think think...

3 x 6 x 12
= 3 x 3 x 2 x 2 x 2 x 3
= 2³ x 3³
= 8 x 27
= 216

Seriously, if you don't use math at work, I don't think you're actually doing any work.

(And yes, I could have done 3 x 72 instead which would have been simpler, but the prime factorization was so obvious it distracted me.)

Me, approaching the door on my way in to work.

Coworker: Hi Elise, Corrie quit.

Me inside the store.

Supervisor of another department: Hi Elise, Corrie quit.

Me after team meeting.

My supervisor: So Elise, Corrie quit.

Me tidying up at 6:00 AM as the opening crew comes in.

Supervisor of the opposite end of the store: I'm sure you'll hear soon enough but - Corrie quit.

Me almost ready to leave the floor as the sales staff turn up.

Supervisor of Corrie's department: Hey Elise, Corrie quit, I have an opening in my department.

======

Either I complained about Corrie a lot more than I thought, or Corrie complained about me a lot more than I thought.

Spinach. What an ignorant food. You have to plant 10 sq.ft. to produce one cup which contains 20 calories. Such a waste.

When you're wide awake for work but so paralysed by demotivation that you can't even blink. Sigh...

You know what else is weird? People who have known you for seven minutes before they start telling you who you are. And, inevitably, how you need to change to please them.

There's something weird about people who tell me I should get married and have kids (let alone have kids without getting married). They obviously don't know why my life is at it is, but they figure they can tell me to change everything about it. Without being asked, at that.

It's Monday. I still can't adjust my elbow brace. There is a podcast about boredom on my phone. Kill me now.

It was a beautiful spring day when suddenly, they most gigantic snow flakes I've ever seen started crashing to the ground. Hmmmm... Oh well. Tomorrow is another day.

K. The dog is asleep and breathing, everyone in Pakistan found something to occupy their time, and I'm tired. I'm pretty sure I've been up for hours. Good night, Facebook. Fiamani Allah.

The worst part of treating for respiratory distress is that the victim is always trying to walk away.

Every time I look at the dog I'm shocked by how small she is. She used to be such a strong little wolverine mofo of a dog and now she's just bones.

Well, studying went really well for a while... until everyone in Pakistan and India got on Facebook again. LOL

The only thing uglier than my handwriting in Urdu is my handwriting in English.

Hey check this out, I read this almost entirely by myself!
ڈھاکہ: سری لنکا نے ٹی ٹوئنٹی ورلڈ کپ میں ہندوستان کو ہرا کر ٹرافی اپنے نام کرلی۔

So many birds out there... this time next year I can go on long excursions to photograph them. All by myself.

One of the things I love most about my Muslim friends is having polite and enlightening discussions about the Lord. Not too many of my non-Muslim friends do that.

Waaaaaaaaaaiiiiiit a minute... Did I just hear a SEAGULL???

Friend: How are you?

Me: I have a headache.

Friend: Did you take something for it?

Me: No. I'm in a bad mood anyway, I might as well have a headache too.

Friend: Why are you in a bad mood?

Me: Don't know. Probably because I have a headache.

=====
Perks of being single.

Her Majesty's health bulletin: no new developments this week. No nosebleeds, no faking-one's-own-death since Monday, no dying and coming back evil... just a lot of sleeping, moderate amount of eating, and today we walked almost a block and a half, haltingly, before she decided to turn back. She's very thin but not shaking, not incontinent, not in any evidence of pain. If she just slowly fades away like this, that's fine by me.

It's +5 and i'm wearing a sweater. What was I thinking????

I keep thinking I'm gonna get up and study. Then I go back to bed to think about it. Good night, Facebook. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

I shall now attempt to sleep 48 hours straight. Good night, Facebook.

When your knee hurts, you put a knee brace on, your knee feels better. When your elbow hurts, you put an elbow brace on, your elbow feels... worse. Fak u, life.

The good news is, we're now on 7-day freight schedule, so our boss works Sunday to Thursday. Yay, Friday!

I was dreaming about doing freight. No wonder I wake up tired.

Muslim friend looking at my old photos: You don't look fat or old.

And here you guys thought Muslim men are assholes... LOL

I spoke sharply to my Indian coworker for doing the stupid things our English boss tells us to do. Now I just need an Australian coworker to hate on.

(Only my cricket friends will understand this joke.)

The nastiest thing about getting up for work is that you can't just get it done and forget about it. No matter how decisively you do it the first time, you keep having to do it again every d**** day.

It's rent day and the evil roommate is slinking around the house being as quiet as she can. That's a sure sign she screwed up something. Hmmmm... How much do I want to bet that the rent isn't getting paid again?

I go out to pay the rent, leaving the dog asleep on the bed. I come back an hour later, she's in an unnaturally extended position, eyes wide open and fixed, no sign or sound of breathing. So I was like "how can you have died in the hour I was gone?" Then I poked her... and she's perfectly fine. You damn dog!!!!!!!! You're doing this on purpose. I know it. And if anyone thinks my dog isn't capable of faking her own death every fews days to fuck with my head, you just don't know Her Majesty. She always was the most manipulative little thing.

Et le coup de Manuel Valls, c'est un vrai ou un poisson d'avril?

You know what I've realized in the last few days? I've actually NEVER lived completely alone for more than a few weeks at a time. I thought I lived by myself most of my life, but actually I've always had either a) parents and siblings, b) roommates, c) husband / boyfriend / gold digger / asshole, or d) pets. Strange.

I've never had a problem with Canadian winter in my life. And I used to work outside all winter, too, unlike all the whiny Canadians who sit indoors year-round making up lies about the weather. But that's another story. The point is, I have no problem with winter. But boy do I fucking hate the thaw.

Having discovered that I'll buy her cheesecake if she's sick enough, Her Majesty is now refusing to eat anything BUT cheesecake. You think you're clever, eh, you dog? Well it's a lot cheaper to have you put down than to keep you alive on a cheesecake diet, so eat your d-d dog food.

(True story: I named her "Sissi" because she's gorgeous, demanding, and she has a habit of not eating if she doesn't get her way.)

Everyone was finally sleeping quietly when my alarm went off to remind me it's Pakistan v. Bangladesh time. Fak u, cricket. You woke my dog.

Hey wait, that means it's after midnight and the dog is still alive. I thought March 29 would have been so apt for her to die... but of course it wouldn't be like her to do something that has an appealing logic when she can stay up all night knocking things over and breathing like Darth Vader instead.

Il est une heure... c'est le guet... dormez sur vos deux oreilles, bonns gens.

Weiss and Zohary: done. Lepenski Vir I: done. Mehrgarh I... not done. Sigh.

Hey, I can see Nawaz Sharif's house from here! Thank you Google Maps, that was completely gratuitous.

14:00: the dog is barely breathing. 18:30: she runs all around the block at a fast trot. WTF?????? If you think you're getting more McD's and cheesecake, my dog, you're very much mistaken. You're clearly well enough to eat dog food.

Well it's nice that in between bouts of dying, HM has the energy to do all the things that annoy the crap out of me like crawl under the piano and knock over her soup bowl.

So I went to eat lunch thinking the dog was in the home stretch. I come back upstairs and she... is awake and wants to go pee and eat cheesecake. Oh, my dog. You're just gonna be ornery right to the bitter end, aren't you?

Suddenly I couldn't hear HM breathing anymore so I checked. She's breathing seven times per minutes and shallow. Hmmmmm... This would totally be relevant if I had ever timed her breathing before for comparison.

Today HM ate only one wedge of Laughing Cow. So, I went out and bought her McDonald's and some cheesecake. Just the smell of McDonald's perked her right up... she ate the whole thing without even breathing, and half the cheesecake. If she dies tonight at least she'll have had a good last meal.

Shot with my phone on March 19. She's dozing with her head on my shoulder.

I thought HM would be hungry after clearing her stomach. She's not. She drank a little this morning, looked at some cream of chicken soup for a while and went back to bed.

I take that back. She's now vomiting mucus. And with her throat being half closed as it is, the whole thing is a bit traumatic.

Turns out the Store Manager was working half the night shift so she offered to let me off at lunch and drive me home. So I get home and the dog is... just fine. Or just as fine as she was earlier. Not dead. Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

Now... what am I gonna do with the rest of the night??

Instead of having her usual freakout while I got ready for work, HM put herself to bed at 2125. She didn't even blink when I said good night and left. Please God, let me see her again in the morning.

Wow. Her Majesty just ate 10 wedges of Laughing Cow. That's 350 calories. It would be a good sign except that she's barely moved all day and she staggers when she walks. She was shaking again this morning, too. It's one of those days when I think the end is near.

Whenever I think Her Majesty is eating rather well she takes the opportunity to remind me that almost nothing is coming out of her system at the other end. I know Iams is full of fillers and produces more waste but still... no denying that she IS gradually not-eating herself to death. (On the other hand, no bleeding today, thanks be to God.)

Every few days I think the dog is just about dead, and then the next day she looks better. Yesterday she bled everywhere, today she chewed on her pig's ears that she hasn't been touching since she got sick. Of course the "better" days are only relative, but days like today I get the feeling she might have a few months rather than weeks. And some days... not.

Me: I'm stressed.

Muslim friend: Can you recite the Quran?


Er... No. I'm Christian. I can't even recite half the Creed (and that only because I sang it in choir 20 years ago.)

I have two categories of clothes: the ones that are covered in blood stains, and the ones I won't wear again until after the dog dies.

Her Majesty had a major nosebleed while we were outside on her bathroom break. Now there is a trail of blood leading to the house.

As much as it's terribly horrible that Her Majesty is dying, when she's completely finished dying I will move to an apartment by myself and for the first time since I was 18, I will not have to look for a place that allows pets. The Lord is gracious and compassionate.

Diana: But then what will I read about on Facebook?

Me: Hopefully, how wonderful life is without roommates.

Me, to Pro Desk manager: You know that guy Pardeep?

Pro Desk manager, absently: Mmhm?

Me: Is he like, really clingy, or is he just really clingy with me?

Pro Desk manager: No, I think it's just you.

Me: Yeah cause every time I walk in and he's here he follows me around making conversation.

Pro Desk manager, suddenly remembering the guy is a manager: Wait - what??

Me: K bye.

=====
My job has its downsides but it makes me laugh.

Not quite three wedges this morning. I could make a pie chart and watch the coloured part grow thinner every day... I wonder if she'll die before, after, or on the same day that she eats zero wedges.

You know how in dance you're supposed to spot your head when you turn? I could NEVER get the hang of that. Shrink-wrapping pallets though? Definitely spotting when I do that. Also I build my pallets in corbelling. Because I can.

Assholes are always quick to notice that I always take care of my responsibilities, and then they figure if they can make THEIR responsibilities into mine, they're on easy street. What they never notice, because they're assholes, is that I know the difference and the moment it suits me I'm gonna let them down without any warning and enjoy watching them freak out. I'm a real bitch like that. People never quite realize it.

GEESE ARE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy!!

Six months of ballet and half the class still doesn't know where to line up. Sigh.

Six months of ballet... still can't remember what time the bus is.

Her Majesty slept all day and breathed quite well. She clearly had no energy and fell down a lot. In the afternoon I put her on the bed with me, she fell asleep with her head on my shoulder so that I had to sleep in a stress position for several hours. I'll miss that very soon but holy crap my shoulder hurts now.

In the evening she had a burst of energy, which she does every evening. I think it's because she knows I'm leaving for work. Sometimes I think it's just stress, other times I get the feeling she's actually showing off and being playful (which she usually isn't) to try to get me to stay with her. It always makes me sad. Anyway while she was at it, she ate 1 1/2 cups of dog food. So altogether today she had about 1/4 to 1/3 of her calories. No wonder she has no energy. However, she is not dehydrated, her gums are pink, her eyes are alert, and she's not shaking or incontinent right now so...

So what, exactly? I don't think Friday is her last day. Then the weekends usually help her because I'm home with her for two days, so Monday should be ok. So... next Friday? Who knows. If she would just get gradually weaker like this, that's not so bad, except it's so tiring to keep wondering "when".

I don't mind that she has to die before me. I don't mind that it's a year sooner than I expected. I DO mind watching her die for so long.

Woke up. Took the dog out to pee. Most glorious day EVER, thanks be to God. The air is mild and smells of spring and you want to sit down on the snow-covered lawn and listen to the birds sing for hours. I thought "I should have worn shoes, she's going to want to walk."

But...

She peed, and then turned around and walked straight back to the house. Didn't even look at the lovely weather.

Friday? Monday? Or... not?

Three Laughing Cows today. Who knew you can measure life in units of cheese?

When you say goodbye to your dog before work and after "see you in the morning" you start adding "inshaAllah".

Her Majesty's health bulletin.

For three days (Saturday to Monday), HM actually ate her entire calorie requirement, give or take a few. On the other hand her breathing got considerably worse. It made a horrible sound and she wouldn't sneeze or cough to free it. So I suppose the obstruction shifted more towards her airway and away from her throat. On Sunday I figured she probably wouldn't go past this Friday (March 21).

Yesterday, though, it didn't sound too bad. So she actually ate AND breathed fairly well. Well.... "fairly well" is a relative term, in this case. But she ate and she breathed quietly, so that was an improvement.

Today, not so much. When I came home and tried to wake her, she wouldn't get up. I carried her outside, she peed, I carried her back upstairs and she went right back to sleep. I just woke her up and took her out again now, and then gave her some Laughing Cow. She ate only 3 1/2 wedges and hasn't touched any other food today. She hasn't even been drinking, whereas usually she drinks a lot. She's breathing quietly and that's about the best that can be said for her right now.

So... Friday? Monday? Or... not?

Me at voice lesson: The difficulty with this aria is that the character is a teenaged boy discovering his sexuality, and I'm a devout, celibate [my real age] woman.

Voice teacher: You WHAT????

Me: What?

Voice teacher: You're how old?

Me: [my real age]

Voice teacher: You're not.

Me: Yeah, I am.

Voice teacher: Seriously?

Me: That's what it says on my driver's license.

Voice teacher: No way.

Me, handing her my driver's license: Yeah, that's what it says.

Voice teacher: Wow. Holy crap. Really. Wow.

=====

Yep, I'm THAT old.

Santa is real!!!! And he's a pigeon.

There. I managed to insert Pakistan's goat situation into my History of the World. Like a BOSS.

Some studies suggest that goats came from three main domestication events, in Iran and Anatolia from the bezoar, and in Pakistan from the markhor. Other studies reject the markhor theory. Frankly it's hard to believe goats were NOT domesticated in Pakistan.

Psalm 100

Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth.
Worship the Lord with gladness;
come into his presence with singing.

Know that the Lord is God.
It is he that made us, and we are his;
we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving,
and his courts with praise.
Give thanks to him, bless his name.

For the Lord is good;
his steadfast love endures forever,
and his faithfulness to all generations.

Is it just me or...?

K, for my even more recent Facebook friends, here is an updated version of the "how I became obsessed with Imran Khan" story.

==========
For nine years, I lived in a small, isolated town where no guy would go out with me. And every guy I asked for coffee never spoke to me again. So, it became a running joke in my life to say "I should ask (some guy) for coffee." The more unrealistic, the better.

Also, for unrelated reasons, I'm learning the entire history of the world.

Then, on 27 January 2013, I left the small isolated town and moved 2400 km away to Winnipeg. And the first thing I did was to go check out the nearest library to see what they had about world history. And in the world history section, sitting on a shelf facing out, there was a book with a photo of Imran Khan on the cover. I recognized him because I often read about him in The Economist.

So I look at the book and it says "Pakistan: a personal history", by Imran Khan. Great. Pakistan is important in world history. I must read this book.

So I take the book home and I look at the photos of Imran inside, and I thought "hey, this dude is rather handsome. I should ask him for coffee." <---- remember, running joke about asking unlikely guys for coffee. Then further in the book, I find out that he's divorced. So I was like "hey, he's divorced! I REALLY should ask him for coffee!" <---- still part of my running joke, see?

Then, I followed PTI's Facebook page, to see what sort of politics he was up to, and from there I followed "Explore the Beauty of Pakistan", and it was beautiful, so I started sharing the photos of Pakistan on Facebook.

Then... Several of my French and Canadian friends started abusing me for my interest in Pakistan. Er... Why? What is it to you that I'm looking at beautiful photos of Pakistan? Douchebaggery...

Well, since they were harassing me, I got MORE interested in Pakistan. But of course I couldn't read most of PTI's campaign materials, because they're in Urdu. So instead of learning Farsi like I was supposed to (for the purpose of reading history), I started learning Urdu. The first word I learned in Urdu was "tabdeeli". The first word I learned to read in Urdu was "Pakistan".

But reading about politics is difficult. Reading about cricket is easy because most of the words are really English. So I started reading a lot of cricket stories. To learn Urdu, right? And then I thought, I'll just watch one cricket match. Just one, so I have an idea what they're talking about.

The moment I watched cricket, I became addicted to it. Which is weird because I hate watching sports. So now I want to have coffee with Sangakkara, not Imran. But other than that I'm still totally fascinated by Pakistan.

So now you know.

The Great Dog Dilemma: the dog paces when she needs to go out, or when she's having trouble breathing. Going outside aggravates her breathing. So do I take her out and risk aggravating her breathing, or not take her out and risk her going in the house? (Seriously I totally don't care if she goes in the house at this stage, but it upsets her. And being upset ALSO aggravates her breathing.)

"He sat in defiance of municipal orders, astride the gun Zam-Zammeh, on her old platform, opposite the old Ajaibgher, the Wonder House, as the natives called the Lahore Museum."

Called the bank again. Talked to a supervisor. He fixed immediately what the minions took a week not to solve. Hmmmmmm... You know what's strange? At my job the supervisor is the LAST person who would solve a problem for you.

The first time that... I looked at my dog and asked her "is it today?"

I was reading back through my Facebook and found that the first nosebleed was February 17 and 1:10 AM. 23 days ago. Only? Seems like I've been living this nightmare forever.

Ok, sorry I haven't kept up here. The amount of stress in my life is unreal. I'm gonna update backwards from today and see if I get caught up.

Today for breakfast Her Majesty ate: six (6) wedges of Laughing Cow. SIX wedges. That's a lot, right?

Wrong. That's about one third of her daily requirement of calories.

Funny how when you're trying to eat, everything is riddled with calories, and when you're trying to keep your dog alive, you can't find calories for love or money.

For purely mathematical reasons, Her Majesty will probably continue being alive until at least April 18th. Just because next paycheque is rent and the one after is taxes. So now we might get to find out which is more inevitable, death or taxes.