Some people talk to copy information from their brain to yours. And some people talk cause they're just not smart enough to STFU.

Am I the only one who when asked to read at church, checks the lectionary before agreeing in case I don't find it theologically sound? And then takes it personally because I find the first reading debatable and the second rather pointed?

K, one more anecdote. Cause you'd be so bored if you couldn't live my life vicariously on Facebook.

Monday. Winnipeg Public Library, via email: The Interlibrary Loan you requested is being held for you at the 4th floor information desk.

Me: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! I'll pick it up tomorrow.

Tuesday, on my way to conservatory and the library: my Economist from last week, delayed by two snow storms, is in the mailbox.

Me: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!

Me, at the 4th floor information desk: I have an interlibrary loan waiting to be picked up.

Library guy: Actually, you have TWO interlibrary loans waiting to be picked up.

Me: Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

Wednesday, on my way to... can't remember: my Economist for this week is in the mailbox.

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!


Wow. The only thing worse than too much of a good thing is too much of TWO good things.

Me, having a meeting with my pastor who has a Master's degree on Islam: Didn't Jesus say "go, sell what you own, and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me"? (Mark 10:21)

My pastor: Oh, you know Jesus always liked to exaggerate.

Me: (blank silence) You know what *I* like about Islam? They actually believe what they say they believe.

My pastor: Well they certainly do a better job of explaining it.


---
Yeah. Well that's a start. Cause I'm not understanding why I just listened to SIX FREAKING SERMONS on Christmas which we know is a fabrication, and now you're gonna tell me that Jesus was a liar.

Lately I've been wondering if I should be visiting other churches.

Such angry. Very swearing. Wow.

It can't be time to wake up for work yet. I haven't even slept nine hours, let alone twelve. Plus I bet my boss hasn't grown a brain yet.

For greater clarity, I spent all of last night doing something completely beyond stupid that my boss's new boss wanted, and I did it really well and really really really fast unlike the completely stupid method THEY wanted, and I was tired and really pissed off that when I do excellent work I get written up, but when I do completely stupid work according to orders I get praise. Anyway, around 4:45, I'm at the top of the order picker doing some ignorant shit, and my boss's boss shows up to work.

Boss's boss: Good morning Elise!

Me: Good morning, Boss's boss.

Boss's boss: How is it going?

Me: Awesome!

Boss's boss: Great!


Hmmmmmmmm... The guy can't tell when he's being blatantly lied to. Good to know.

My roommate is listening to a metal version of... Pachelbel's Canon in D.

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Can't even think of a clever comment.

I'm dead tired and demoralized and I'd much rather go to bed, put on some cricket videos and sleep 12 hours than have a meeting with my pastor about why I think that Christian service should involve something onerous even when you're dead tired and demoralized and would much rather be doing something else. Man, irony's a bitch.

6 1/2 hours on the order picker. Somebody kill me before I cool down and my back stiffens up.

The down side of voice lessons is having to wake up twice for only one paycheque.

An out-of-order elevator! Hadn't seen that since I left the Highrise.

Hey, it's the 14th! I wonder how Canada is doing in cricket.

Haha, can't believe you fell for that.

Well, it took 18 hours, but now I have the song I wanted as my alarm clock. So I can go to bed! Yay!

Ok: this computer is going to be taking a long walk off a short pier in a second if things don't start working.

I'm singing The Trumpet Shall Sound which is a bass aria, so even though obviously I took it up an octave, the piano accompaniment is still higher than my part. So every time I have to wait a few bars, I inevitably enter way too high on my next phrase. You can take the soprano out of the high notes but you can't take the hubris out of the soprano.

Between Manitoba Health Care and my Home Depot drug plan, it looks like I can actually afford to refill my Flovent inhaler. Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

People who read my name as "Elsie".... should go back to Kindergarten and try again. >:(

Cricket matches: one is too many and a thousand is never enough.

And now, time for System Restore again! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuh...

Takes an hour to reinstall Samsung's useless software; now the USB ports that were working half an hour ago aren't. Scumbag Computer.

Find cell phone charger: check.

Find cell phone charger again: check.

Find phone: check.

Software for transferring data to cell phone uninstalled itself during last System Restore: check.

SCUMBAG WINDOWS.

And now that I found the cell phone charger twice...

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I can't find my phone.

Donna: OMG Elise. Go to bed. You can't win for losing.

Me: But I want to upload a new song to my phone to use as an alarm clock!

Donna: OK one more thing.. And then go to bed.

K seriously, I found the cell phone charger. I put it down in a logical place and updated my FB to say I found it. I fluffed my pillow. And... I couldn't find my cell phone charger. That squirrel from the video is for real!!!!

In today's episode of "Elise's room is a giant clusterfuck": where the heck is my cell phone charger?

Donna: Right next to your violin strings.

Me: Possibly. I wonder where I put the violin strings last night after I found them.

Donna: Make sure they are not wrapped around one of your roomies neck!

Me: No, I think I'd remember that. (Later.) Ok. Totally not where I should have put it, but I found the charger. And the violin strings are in my music bag. Everything is copacetic. Well, except the roommate, of course.

When you take a song down an octave and it's still higher than most people know how to sing.

Another reason I need two brains is so one can listen to music while the other watches videos. And if I had a third one that would study instead of doing either of these things, that would be helpful too.

Also cause the brain I have is a Scumbag Brain and I don't like it.

Among its many qualities, Winnipeg has the best shovelling snow I've ever seen. It doesn't pack, it doesn't stick, it doesn't ice, it just sits there patiently waiting for you to shoo it away with a shovel. Y'all just wish you were me.

Turns out everybody is annoying.

I can't tell whether I'm terminally cranky from lack of sleep or everybody is seriously annoying today.

Made a cup of tea to wake me up. Forgot it on the table cause I wasn't wide awake. Scumbag Brain.

SHUT UP YOU STUPID MACHINE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!!!!!!

Asad: which machine disturbing you ?

Me: Alarm clock. What an ignorant contraption that is.

As much as I love ODI, test commentary is so much more hilarious.

Hello, violin strings!

If you had to move three times in six months, where would you pack your spare violin strings the third time?

Donna: In your violin case....but then again maybe that is too obvious!

Me: No they're in a FedEx envelope because I had just received them when I left Hay River.

Donna: In that case good luck. I can see an envelope disappearing. I didn't realize you played the violin. Man between your singing practice and your violin....your roomies must either really love you or hate you!

Me: Well it's my house so the roommates can stuff it. And I'd be much more likely to play violin if I could find my strings, because they're synthetic core and the D string is shot.

Tatelena: Glove compartment.

Me: No... that's where I keep my emergency toilet paper.

Singing with basso continuo sounds awesomely medieval. Sitting at the piano pwning C6 over and over sounds just plain awesome.

Why do you need a license to own a dog but not to have children? Because the dog "license" is a tax on dogs, not a permit to own a dog. But if you'd like to pay a tax on your children I'm sure The Harper Government will be happy to take your money.

The good roommate and I are arguing over who gets to shovel snow. There's only one shovel and a limited supply of snow and he's not leaving any for me.

Donna: Lol Elise. That's not how this argument usually plays out! Maybe one of you can wander down the street and borrow a shovel...and their snow!

Vicki: Maybe you can find a needy neighbor that needs snow shoveled

Me: Most of our neighbours have snow blowers. :(

It's 2 AM in Pakistan and yet everyone is still up commenting on my Facebook. I'm THAT popular.

So I was riding on the bus yesterday, going to work as usual... and on Thursdays my regular driver is off so we have another driver whose appearance suggests he grew up somewhere much, much warmer than Winnipeg. And he always struggles in slick conditions. So we're rolling along, and I'm reading the Economist, and then I got this sick drifting feeling and I thought I was getting a migraine, and I looked up, and actually the bus was drifting around a corner. Seriously, 40-seater bus drifting around a corner. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuugh!!!!! You crazy bastard, you'll kill us all!!!!!

Ok. So I wait till we get to my stop and once he's brought the machine to a complete stop I asked him if he'd mind if I made a comment about the drifting, and he said go ahead so I suggested he might make smoother transitions instead of bullying the machine so much. And he says to me

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"Yeah, it always does that."

What????????? The bus ALWAYS drifts around corners? What is this, a Mustang? A bus shouldn't EVER skid, let alone "always". Lay off the gas and let the poor thing do its work, you psycho!

You know, my pastor doesn't approve of Imran Khan. WTF? You're gonna tell me I need a boyfriend and then object to my choice of guy to pretend to have a crush on? Who are you, my mother? Did I ASK for your opinion? Why do you even have an opinion?

Pissing me off...

On the other hand, my voice teacher thoroughly approves of Imran Khan, just based on the fact that he can demonstrate the same bad habits as me when speaking. Hmmmmmm... That seems like an equally bizarre reason to have an opinion, quite frankly.

Greek coworker, to Indian coworker: Do you wear... you know... when you see your father-in-law?

Indian coworker: Wear what?

Greek coworker: You know, (gestures with hand around her head), what you call?

Me: A turban?

Greek coworker: Yeah, turban.

Indian coworker (totally offended): What??? That's totally not the same religion!

Greek coworker: Oh, is religion thing?

Other coworker: Yeah, that's Pakistan.

Me: No, mostly Sikhs wear turbans, and there are Sikhs in Pakistan AND India, and also some Muslims.

Indian coworker: Yeah. (Turns his back on conversation.)

Other coworker, to Greek coworker: See, now you hurt his feelings.

Me, to Indian coworker: If it makes you feel better, Pakistan is being destroyed by Sri Lanka.

Indian coworker (laughing): YEAH! Haha! (two thumbs up)

Me: (current match score)

Indian coworker walks away in a good mood.

=====
Great. The one person I know in real life who likes cricket cheers for India.

Then L'Internationale breaks out in the middle of ballet class. There is something disturbingly apt about this song dogging my every step.

o/~ old McDonald had asthma, E-I-E-I-A o/~

When you keep reloading your social media over and over instead of going to bed because you're craving some kind of meaningful contact... even though you know you're not gonna find any.

So I was on my way out at work and I could see the pretty boy from Paints talking to someone who was out of my line of sight, and judging by his facial expression and body language, he was totally smitten with her. Then I passed the aisle that was blocking my view and I saw that luckily for him, she seems almost equally smitten. And by "she" I mean the new guy from my team. Hmmmmmmm... well now I understand why he's so hostile to me. He's just jealous because all the boys on our team think I'm prettier than him.

Wow. Are we ever screwed.

Tiffany: Why, now?

Elise: It's a cricket thing.

Tiffany: ...lol ah! Ok, thought maybe the world was ending again.

Elise: Cricket-wise, it kind of is.

Er... Why is there Valentine's stuff at the store?

Susan: It's those seasonal aisles...they don't want empty aisles...as soon as one holiday ends the next has to go up!

Me: This was at the Safeway bakery though... cookies and cupcakes with heart on top, that sort of stuff. Dafuq?

Susan: Ok that is weird - who would buy that now?

Me: Exactly. It's not like it's gonna keep for the next six weeks.

Tiffany: I was also wondering about this.

I get to do exactly what I want all day at work (thanks to some clever political maneuvering) and Sangakkara is out. Everything's coming up Milhouse!

Voice teacher: It doesn't have to be perfect, but you could have done better and you know it.

Me: That's right.

(thinking)

(thinking)

(thinking)

I could do it perfect!

Voice teacher: Sigh.

Once upon a time, I never watched cricket, and I used to laugh at the headlines on my Pakistan newsfeed. "Grave crisis". "Disaster". "Complete collapse". I thought they were humorously dramatic.

Then.

One day.

I decided to watch one match. I don't watch sports, ever, because it's deathly boring. But I thought I'd watch ONE match of cricket just to get the general idea of how it works, in case I might be called upon to make polite conversation.

Little did I know that cricket is totally addictive and lends itself to making Excel spreadsheets. Mmmmmm... Spreadsheets...

So now cricket is the most important thing in my life. After the Lord, my dog, singing, world history, The Economist, going to concerts and paying the bills, of course. And let me tell you: GRAVE CRISIS! DISASTER! COMPLETE COLLAPSE! AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGH!!!

Apparently, lunch in Dubai is at the same time as my "lunch" break. What an inconvenient coincidence.

I don't think our wifi at work will support the cricket feed but I can see the PCB site. Hmmmmmmm... I don't think this is going to improve productivity.

My pastor asked to reschedule tomorrow's meeting, alleging car trouble. Er.... You drive a Toyota. *I* drove a Toyota and I took it from Calgary to Inuvik in -53 C. Your argument is invalid. Plus, make like the pope and take a bus.

But then again... second test tomorrow! BOOYAKASHA!

Me: My brain likes to fuck with me.

Voice teacher: Yeah, I noticed that.

OMG SOMEONE ELSE CAN SEE IT TOO!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not crazy!

I wonder which is more of a kick in the integrity: calling in sick to my voice lesson because I didn't practice enough over the break and practicing like mad for next week, or going to my voice lesson and admitting to my teacher that I didn't practice enough over the break.

Deirdre: go for honesty!

Me: Yeah... I just hate to ruin my image when I'm known as such a hard-working student.

Deirdre: everyone is allowed to be off sometimes

Me: NEVER! I'm perfect. Or at least practically perfect in every way. And if I don't get going I'm gonna miss the bus and be late on top of everything so ta-ta!

I wish I knew where my inhaler is to. In case I'd like to do some breathing later on.

Serotonin reuptake is a bitch.

o/~ Say who art thou that thou art afraid of a man that shall die, and forgetest the Lord. o/~

Dude: a man WHO shall die, m'k?

Nothing ruins Quia Respexit like your phone breaking into L'Internationale for no good reason whatsoever. (Unless you consider work a valid reason to interrupt singing practice, I suppose. Maybe some people roll that way.)

Frankly I'd much rather get vaccinated against yellow fever than H1N1.

The difference between me and women who have kids is, I never pick up after kids. I make them come back here and pick it up themselves.

I can't believe it only took ten minutes to clear the snowplow windrow in front of the house (technically, in front of my neighbour's house, since we maintain one access point together). It's almost disappointing, really.

The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky proclaims its maker's handiwork.

All school buses in Winnipeg are cancelled due to windchill (that makes no sense already) but all the schools are open. You can always trust schoolboards for your daily dose of douchebaggery.

And here you're bitching about ice on your car...

I scheduled a meeting with my pastor for Wednesday morning because he wants to hear about what I consider "meaningful service". That's nice. Except the second test starts Wednesday morning so WHAT WAS I THINKING????

I hate it when I tell myself to either study or go to bed instead of sitting there uselessly... and then I just keep sitting there uselessly anyway.

It seems like an eternity since I watched any cricket. Sigh...

I was gonna spend the afternoon digging a racetrack for the dog in the backyard, but given the temperature, I doubt she'd be wanting to go out anyway. MashaAllah.

And if I don't actually get out of bed soon I'm gonna miss the bus, too.

I'd be a lot more excited to go to church if it didn't involve getting out of bed. And if church hadn't been so lame recently. And if the lectionary wasn't 2 Christmas. Eight more weeks until Transfiguration...

C6. That's right, C motherfucking 6. So that pretty much takes care of what I was planning to accomplish this year.

No cricket today. :(

In Urdu, Hindi, and some related languages, guys often address each other as "bhai". So apparently, the legendary "Aryan homeland" was in Newfoundland. QED.

Brain, you motherfucker, GO TO SLEEP or I'll think of something so fiendish you'll wish you were never born.

Oh, that was too cute. Bilawal to Sangakkara.

Sangakkara looks like a big cat. When he's waiting for the delivery he looks like he's practically purring.

Commentator 1: What is he doing?

Commentator 2: I don't know, maybe you should ask him next time you see him.


Yeah, maybe you girls should watch the game instead of reliving your glory days?

Oh, I see. Because the two commentators used to play on opposite teams and the bowler dismissed the other guy a bunch of times.

Cricket commentator 2 (also a retired legend): [really long story] and -

Cricket commentator 1: and that's when you fell off the bed?

Cricket commentator 2: What? Oh HEY!!

Cricket commentator 1 (retired bowler): No but [really long story] and it was really hot and humid and the ball was going on the road, that's why I remember it.

Cricket commentator 2: Yeah yeah. Bowlers are always quick to say the grounds are just small.


These bitches just throwing shade today.

Cricket commentator 1: Did you enjoy your tea?

Cricket commentator 2: Yes, it was quite nice.


Good for you, honey.

You know what I think? This is what I get for not studying all day. Now The Brain is prowling like a werewolf looking for something to eat.

Damn. Tea time and I'm still wide awake.

Cricket commentator 1: Saeed Ajmal is such a drama queen.

Cricket commentator 2: Oh come on!

Cricket commentator 1: K, drama king.

Cricket commentator 2: How can you say that?

Cricket commentator 1: Ok, I'll use a different term. "Show boy."


Ooooooooooh... boy. "Dig UP, stupid!"

Cricket: probably the only sport where it's still legal to say "all chiefs, no Indians."

Decided not to watch cricket because it would keep me awake; can't sleep anyway. Hmmmmmm... If The Brain is being contrary... I can turn cricket on... and logically I'll be asleep in minutes. Win-win!

Documentary: Mexico City... was once a wilderness.

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Me: DUH!!!!!!!

(N.Ed.: those are apricots from Kashmir)

Mmmmmmmmm... That looks better than the entire ODI squad put together.

What we all did New Year's Eve:

- The good roommate went out with his girlfriend, had a great time.
- I stayed home and studied Urdu, had a great time.
- The bitch was not invited anywhere, not even to the next door neighbour's even though she's doing him. She stayed in her room all night because she's avoiding me, so she couldn't watch TV. Nobody phoned her. Evidence suggests she had a pretty dull, lonely time.

It's nice to know that being dishonest and evil just for its own sake catches up to you sometimes.

Someone wrote
لالا کا ریکارڈ ٹوٹ تو گیا
and I read it and understood it all by myself.

Asad: He said I was sleeping when my record break.

Me: And the moral is, never sleep. Just stay up and drink coffee.

Great. I turn the [cricket] feed on just in time for lunch.

Ok, everybody can stop repeating the 365-pages thing already. It was stale the first time I read it.

What Environment Canada said: -31 C, windchill -52.

What the weathercaster read: -31 C but feels like -52 C.

What the people heard: -52 C.

And this is why I don't talk to people.